My "Smash"ogram

I turned 40 yrs. old 9 1/2 months ago.

Women know what THAT means.....I've moved into the "Mammogram years."

So, do you think I ran right out and got one 9 1/2 months ago?

NOPE.

Do you think I've had the written orders from my Dr. for months and months just attached to my magnet board at home?

YEP.

I guess my avoidance of the "experience" is part rebellion that I actually have gotten old enough to need one, part fear that the test might find something BAD, part dread of the inconvenience of having to arrange care for or (heaven forbid) take my little ones to the appointment, but MOSTLY it's been my qualms about the pain associated with having my boobs smashed flat as a pancake.

Since school got out, and I have 2 "live-in babysitter" now, at least one of my "hang ups" was gone, so I thought I could finally try to make an appointment. Now, even though I was calling, I thought I still had quite a bit of time. You see, I was completely expecting it to be more like my Pediatrician's office when I call in for an appt. there,

"It looks like Dr. Fruin is booked out until the end of October...."

(Just goes to show that MORE parents are trying to get their kids in for their school shots and Football Physicals than there are women taking care of their own mammograms) but that wasn't the case! The "Women's Imaging" department at the hospital had available appointment that same week! Like in a few days. Luckily, some out of town trips and my work schedule prevented that from happening, but I still got me an appt. within 10 days of calling.

YIKES.

That was too soon for me!

The day of the appointment, Ryan asked me if I was nervous. I admitted that I was.

He said, "Don't worry, Mom, I saw a billboard on the freeway about mammograms. Did you know that with early prevention, Breast Cancer is 99% curable?"

(Yes, I know. I'd seen those same guilt-inducing billboards prodding me over the last 9 1/2 months!)

I told him I was not so much worried about that as I was the pain. To which he had a question about WHY is would be painful. So, I got to explain to my 15 yr. old son about the boob torture machine.

He was horrified - mostly because of what he was thinking about. His next question let me in on his thoughts? "Do they have to do that to screen for Prostate Cancer, too?!!?"

So....I made it to my appointment....

When they questioned me, I turned out to be a real boring patient. No Breast Implants, No chance of being pregnant, No Breast Cancer history in my family, Not currently Breast Feeding, No Breast Surgeries, No discoveries in my self-exams (that's because I DON'T do them! woops!)

Getting in the right position took longer than the smash-and-X-ray part of it. Turns out I have breast tissue up to my chin, in my underarm regions, and around my back - and they needed it ALL on the compression plate.

The tech gave so many instructions:

Lean forward

Stick out your butt

Lift up your arm

Relax your shoulder

Straighten out your hips

Put your weight on your right foot

Come closer

Don't stand on your tippy toes (I'm too short, they need to bring the machine down)

Bend your left knee

Lift up your chin

Hold your other breast out of the way...but flatten out your hand, so it doesn't get in the picture.

Move your hair back

Hold perfectly still - don't breathe.

{It was a QUAD workout, let me tell you!}

Finally, when I still wasn't in the optimum position, the tech just started manhandling (cupping, pulling, moving, shifting, lifting) my boobs herself. Ya know, 20 years ago, I would've FREAKED OUT over that (at my first GYNO appt. for my pre-mission physical, the nurse had to practically hypnotize me in order for me to survive!), but strangely, that day, after 5 baby births, several female surgeries/procedures, and dozens of "special woman exams", I was pretty OK with being topless in front of and groped by the nurse. :) hahaha.

I made it...but my ANGST about the pain, it turns out, WAS VALID. I drove straight to the Maverick afterwards and got some "pain meds" in the form of a large Diet Dr. Pepper.

And I texted my husband warning him that he may not recognize his wife now! ;)