Retirement

This month of MAY marks three different Retirement milestones in our family.

FIRST:
Ryan has decided to retire from Percussion.

At least in the school band sense. (His Final School Band Concert was last Wednesday.) He would just like to be more of a "Basement Bedroom or Garage Jam Session" type drummer. He still has HIGH HOPES he will get his own set one day. Remember his BIG DREAMS?


Truth be Told -- this makes me sad.

When he was entering Jr. High and was deciding on what instrument he wanted to play, practically EVERYONE wanted to be a Percussionist. But the Band Director didn't want JUST ANYONE to be a Percussionist, so he made them go through a "tryout." There was a screening test, to weed out the "non-oriented musicians" basically. I still remember being in the Band room the day of the test and watching Ryan just writing answers down fluently and breeze through the test --and then seeing another girl just staring up at the ceiling, gnawing on her pencil, seeking for the answers by way of divine intervention, or something! Anyway, there were over 40 students vying for a Percussion spot back then. Only eight were chosen. Ryan was one of them. (He could FINALLY thank me for all those years of piano lessons I made him take!) I'm of the opinion that since he made it IN to such an ELITE group, he should stay IN. But, he says he's done now. sniff, sniff. Sometimes it's hard to let them make their own choices.

SECOND:
Haylee is retiring from Dance.
...after just two years. (Her last dance recital was 2 weeks ago) She says she's a baseball, soccer, and swimmer girl.

{Haylee: in the standing group of 3, left side}

Truth be Told -- this makes me sad - and glad.

On the one hand, we were on the waiting list for a looonng time before we were able to get in with this teacher. So, I think she should consider herself LUCKY and stay put. On the other hand, she fought me EVERY week! Because of this, she was LATE every week. She rebelled against the dance dress code (she'd change in the studio's bathroom into [non-approved] clothes she'd smuggled in her dance bag.)

{story detour}

One day, she didn't make it home from school on time to go to dance, so I just grabbed her dance bag and set out in the car to find her along the route. **She has insisted that her dance bag was ready the night before when I asked her.** However, my kids have a habit of answering in the affirmative to many questions their Mom asks them. "Have you cleaned your room?" "Have you practiced the piano?" "Did you put on a new pair of underwear?" "Is your homework done?" "Did you flush the toilet?" They know it's the fastest way to shut their Mom up! So, when I found Haylee and told her to change in the car, she started protesting greatly that she didn't have her dance clothes in her bag - at least the ones she likes. Now, I don't know HOW this happened, since she [said she] had completely prepared the night before. It's such a MYSTERY!!!!! There was a leotard, a pair of tights, and ballet shoes in the bag, though. PERFECT! Right?!? WRONG! She hates leotards. I told her to just put it on and she could wear her T-shirt she'd worn to school over the top since I was on my way to dance already and I wasn't turning back. She did. Fast Forward to AFTER dance class. When she came out, I noticed that the tights were kinda hangin' low on her in the crotch. I looked....and I thought....That's weird. Shouldn't her leotard be holding those tights up?...and I looked again....and I saw THERE WAS NO LEOTARD! Just tights over her panties and her T-shirt! I asked her teacher if she was just wearing tights and panties for the class that day.

"YEP!" the teacher confirmed.

"She was in a dance leotard when I dropped her off!" I explained, horrified.

"She went straight to the bathroom when she arrived," the teacher informed me. "I noticed, but I didn't want to say anything, and bring attention to it, in case the other girls didn't notice...so that's how she stayed through the whole lesson."

((Nice Teacher))

When we got back to the car, I asked her where her leotard was. She screamed, "I HATE LEOTARDS!"

"More than dancing in your panties in front of your whole class?" I asked.

Now it was her turn to be horrified. Apparently, she assumed the T-shirt would cover her all up. You know what they say about assuming.....

{end of detour}

She also refused to wear make up for recitals and pictures. There was much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth EVERY week! (by both of us). So, it's a good thing, right?!? It'll save me about $300.00, too! Sometimes it's hard to let the child assert themselves - especially when it's against you.

And FINALLY:
There's me. I've retired from "Healthy Habits" Challenges. There was another one starting this week, but I did not join. It's the first one I've declined over the last 2 1/2 years. (Matt already informed me after the last one that I was not allowed to be on a "challenge" during our upcoming all-inclusive [READ: Lots o' Food] Cancun vacation in June.)

But, then again, I've reached the "finish line." I don't need it. Just look at my results.

BEFORE

AFTER

Pretty AMAZING, isn't it?!!!?

Actually, in all the FIVE TIMES I've done the "challenge" I've only received cash winnings ONCE. I got 3rd Place in one of them which awarded me $10. TEN [lousy] BUCKS. Exactly the same amount of the entrance fee, so it was just "a wash." So, I'm going into retirement.

Ya know what's funny? OR sad? During one of the "challenges" I was actually doing Weight Watchers (official program), but I lost the exact same amount of weight that time as I did the next time when I was NOT on Weight Watchers. Now what is wrong with this picture? And on my most recent 8 WEEK "challenge", I lost some weight - not an impressive amount by any means - but still, it was something. But, then it all came back on the moment I ate a Mimi's Cafe muffin the week the "challenge" was over.

And that's how My Retirement came about.

Now, who's to say I won't be like Brett Favre -- and come back -- 32 more times, but for now Excuse Me, I think I hear someone (something?) calling my name....

The Switch

Today, the temperatures around these parts were on the upswing, so seems as all my capris & short sleeves are still packed away (in an effort to make my closet look "roomier" for house showings) I opted to don my muumuu.
It was also my week to drive the Kindergarten carpool. Most days, I can just pull in front of the school and wait in my car for the little girls to come rushing out. Today was not most days. I waited. No girls. I waited. No girls.
Man, why did I make such an effort to break away from eating leftover brownies at home all those very important tasks I was doing to get to the school on time?!?
No girls. I debated if I should go in search of them since, after all, I was dressed in my muumuu. I waited until all other children and parents were out of sight and I got out of my car -- at precisely the same moment the Kindergarten teacher came out the front door.

Hi.
Maybe she won't know who I am - she's kinda a space case like that.
Nope.
"Make sure Katelyn gives you the important note!" she says to me.
"OK" I quickly say trying to slip away, muumuu unnoticed.
Nope again.
The teacher engages me in an entire conversation about the upcoming Kindergarten Assessments and then her opinion of Katelyn (all nice, thank goodness!) And then the "Class Parent" comes out to join us -- yet another spotting of me in my muumuu.

Turns out, Katelyn had "forgotten" that the proper procedure after school is to come out front to the waiting carpool and instead she and her friends were sucked in by the beckoning call of the monkey bars out back in the school yard. By the time (20 min. after school let out) I located and retrieved her, 4 other adults (including a High School classmate of mine) and 35 students (there was a PE class outside playing kick ball) had seen me in my muumuu!!
As I was trying to reiterate to Katelyn that she needs to come straight out after school....and make her see the seriousness of her violation of the Kindergarten routine, I told her, "I didn't want to do this...but I had no choice...Now you had to be embarrassed by your Mom being seen wearing a muumuu!"

"Huh?" she asked with NO hint of comprehension in her voice. "I'm NOT embarrassed. I like it! Mom, can I put my muumuu on when we get home, PLEASE?"

Fast Forward to 4 1/2 hours later....

The boys had a piano recital and, before leaving, I traded in my muumuu for a safer, classic black number. As I was driving "the Brood" to the recital, Kyle asks, "Why did you change your clothes, Mom?"
"Oh, I didn't want to embarrass you by wearing my muumuu in public."
Ryan, to my right in the passenger seat, is nodding his head in understanding and firm agreement.
Kyle, from the back seat, comments, "SMART MOVE!"

So, here I had the two opposing opinions of the same thing. On one side, [Moms in] Muumuus are COOL, on the other side, [Moms in] Muumuus are NOT. I figured it out, somewhere between Kindergarten and 6th Grade there is a "SWITCH" where your Mom's appearance matters! I took a poll amongst the passengers in my minivan - just WHEN does this "SWITCH" happen? To assist in our research, we asked our resident 3rd Grader, "Are you embarrassed by me wearing a muumuu?"
There WAS just enough of a pause....the kind that says how-should-I-answer-as-to-not-hurt-her-feelings....followed by a, "no."

Not a "NO!"

Or a "No."

Just a regular, apathetic, lacking any emotion "no."

Solved.

She's approaching the "SWITCH" very, very soon. Like within the next year.

So, my geniuses in the back seat came to the conclusion, IT HAPPENS IN 4th GRADE.

*******
Hey....Do you think we can chalk that off as our "Science Fair Project" for next year? It DID involve asking questions, doing research, gathering facts, deducting, and findings. And you know how much I LOVE Science Experiments.....

*******

Because I KNOW I've piqued your curiosity, and you're just dying to see it....For your viewing pleasure.....I present.....ME, in all my MUUMUU GLORY....

(You're Welcome. I'm real accomodating like that!)

Breaking my Silence

Mother's Day has come and gone two previous times ('09 and '10) since I've had my blog and, though I've had many feelings & words that I could've shared and written, I did not. Every year, I thought about writing a "Mother's Day" post - I wanted to - but wasn't able to bring myself to do it. So far, I've always told myself, maybe next year. If this was my private journal, I'd have no problem writing it, but since others read it, this was one area I felt like I'd have to "edit" my true thoughts since it would surely bring judgement, disapproval, and loss-of-brownie-points (so to speak) from my readers.

Well, No more! THIS year is the year.

I've decided, IT'S MY BLOG AND I CAN CRY IF I WANT TO.....

**Stop reading now if you only like full of Malarkey beautiful, flowery, "THE BEST", favorable, uplifting accounts/opinions of Mother's Day. There are other blogs out there like that ~ which adds to my GUILT. (You've been warned.)**

The Reason? I despise Mother's Day.

There. I said it. It's the truth.

I guess I could end my post there, that about sums it up, but I'm NOT a gal of few words! :)

I LAUGH that it's even considered a "HOLIDAY." I KNOW that Motherhood is a thankless job, but I'm bugged that we PRETEND to "celebrate" Mothers when, instead, it makes us feel worse. Let's. just. don't.

Each year, I start to get anxious about it the week of Mother's Day. The dread starts to set in. And on Saturday (the day before Mother's Day), I can see a definite mood change in me. It shifts to the LOUSY end of the spectrum.

Mother's Day comes and I FEEL: Angry, Depressed, Guilty, Disappointed, Unacceptable, Discouraged, Inadequate, Under appreciated, a "lowlife", Unpleasant, Lacking, Self-Loathing.....a failure.
(And what's to LIKE about all of THAT?!?)

It used to start by me watching Talk Shows, Documentaries, or News Programs on T.V. the week leading up to Mother's Day, that would highlight certain mothers. People in America (family & friends) were "nominating" mothers who they believed were WONDERFUL and then these programs were telling her story, broadcasting a Tribute to the "winning" mothers. Well, of course, I was never featured on one of these shows (surprise, surprise) but it was obvious why -- I wasn't anything like those WONDERFUL mothers. There were stories of mothers taking in MANY Foster children or handicapped children into her loving home and giving them a great life. There were stories of mothers who died, and so then the oldest sister became the "Mom" and sacrificed and raised all the younger siblings. There were stories of mothers who literally saved the lives of her children in dramatic [physical, emotional, spiritual] ways. And there were stories of mothers who had "defied all odds" and survived abusive situations/terminal illness/financial destitution and mothered all on her own and raised delightful, successful children. Etc, etc, etc.
Tears would just be running down my face as I watched these shows because, YES, I was touched by those mothers' stories. BUT, at the same time, I knew that I didn't do ANY of those things myself....which blatantly brings to my attention: I am NOT a wonderful mother.
I finally quit watching those shows - it was too much torture for me.

Then there is church. The Sacrament Meeting talks are killers. I do acknowledge the tough job the Bishop has to creating a meeting that doesn't leave anyone out or make them feel bad. It seems in recent years, they have tried to select the speakers carefully (someone who is male or not a mother yet, so it doesn't ruin a woman's day even further by having to speak) but the content of the talk cannot always be controlled.
This one is THE WORST that I hear from the pulpit- it gets to me THE MOST:
My Mother NEVER yelled at her children [insert me slouching down lower in my pew as I think, Oh, I'm really good at it!]
But then there's also these:
My Mother was ALWAYS there for us - she came to every game/concert/recital/School Field Trip I ever had.
My Mother raised $1,500,000 for the American Cancer Society
My Mother taught me how to cook, sew, cut hair, do yoga, farm, change the oil on the car, can, start a business, paint, read by age 3, compose music, invest money, drive a stick shift, build a campfire, and WORK.

And then all the prayers in church are all "We're so thankful for our sweet, dear, kind mothers and women in our life. Please let them know how valuable, special, and priceless they are. Help us to give them the honor and respect they so deserve."
They seem too mushy and phony to me....those were the words I hear, but here's the actions I see: My Brood is still on the pew wiggling around, crying, complaining, kicking me....and then when it's time for the Primary Children to go up and sing to their mothers, I'll have one who will REFUSE to go up, or if they do go up, they stand up there without singing, sometimes hiding behind someone taller, or just laughing through the whole thing. NICE!
I know of some women who have quit going to church on Mother's Day. Although I always choose to go, I can actually understand their choice.

I also resent how my family spends all Saturday NIGHT (as if it's an afterthought) scrambling trying to get stuff for Mother's Day, which makes it so 1) We can't go out and do anything and 2) They're not able to find everything/anything at the last minute. It's sure a "testament" to how special they feel I am!

On Sunday morning, I'm the first one awake, thanks to my littlest one verbally requesting a diaper change from us. Everyone else is enjoying snoozing in late on Mother's Day. What is wrong with this picture? I ask myself. Even though I am starving, I don't eat because the kids might bring me breakfast in bed. So, I wait....all the while wondering if we're going to be able to get ready for church in time. When the Brood does gather in the kitchen to put their collective efforts together for my Mother's Day breakfast, arguing/crying/tormenting/complaining ensues. And I hear, no less than 10X in the background, their father saying, "SSHHHH....Stop that, don't do that - it's Mother's Day!"

After church, I'm told to go in my room and "relax" - even take a nap and they'll take care of dinner. Only, that's kind of hard considering my door keeps opening by different members of my family (the adult & children alike) asking:
What do you want for dinner?
Where is the salt?
Do we have any lemon extract?
Can I used the limes in the fridge?
Are you going to make the rolls?
What are the measurements for Ranch dressing?
If it says "3 lemons" - does that mean 3 slices of lemon or 3 whole lemons?
How do you bake a baked potato?
What does "boil" mean?
Their preparation, knowledge, & skills make for a very "restful" afternoon for me, let me tell ya!

Everyone in the world TRIES to be all nice & lovey, but I think it feels FAKE.
For Example:
There's the obligatory Mother's Day phone call with my mother, when we hardly ever call each other on any regular day.
There's the Mother's Day "coupons" I get from my children, but when I try to "redeem" one, they are unwilling and resist. (I have dozens of these unused, null & void coupons)
I've witnessed that my husband and his brothers always give their Mom a hug and say "I love you" on Mother's Day, but they do not do that at any other time of the year.

The thing I want most for Mother's Day is for my family to do their jobs, be happy, obedient, & agreeable, don't fight, and to be on time to church ~ at least for that one day.

Is it too much to ask?

Apparently it is.
But, as learned from the talks at church, All that we are, we owe to our mother -- so it's all my fault anyway....and we get a special day devoted to reminding us of just that! Which returns me to my original statement. I despise Mother's Day.

This past Mother's Day, on numerous occasions, my girls declared things like; I can't wait until I'm a Mom! It'll be SOOO fun to be a Mom! Ohhh...Mom's are so lucky!
Their reasons? They can get breakfast in bed, a chocolate/caramel dipped pretzel rod as a gift from the church, and the presents - "just like having another birthday," they naively witnessed.

Ohhh....ignorance is BLISS, eh?!?

There. I did it. I finally put my feelings out there. End of rant.

Problem Child

Haylee had drawn this picture of our family on the back of a Mother's Day card she gave me yesterday.....

While admiring her artwork, I was going through the "checklist"
Dad
Mom
Ryan
Kyle
Haylee
Katelyn
Brookelle

But I couldn't account for the one extra "person" labeled with an "S" over the top of it.

My first thought was that she was being facetious and adding an extra child to our Brood (wishful thinking on her part!)

But then I noticed that this additional figure was ALL RED and had a POINTED TAIL....and then the "S" label clicked with me.

I gasped. "Do you think Satan is a part of our family???" I half choked, half wailed out.

The smug look on her face answered my question.

NO THANK YOU!