Pick Your Pain

This is what I did this morning......because who can think of ANYTHING MORE FUN to do on a Friday morning?!?

I hurt my back two weeks ago and I have been in pain ever since, so WHAT'S A LITTLE MORE PAIN, right?  ;)

I actually took the liberty to interpret the "Annual" recommendation for mammograms pretty loosely!  Like almost two years liberty.  BUT, I figured since I had FOUR (4!) in one year between 2011-12 (while they figured out I just have "junk in my ducts"), then that still averages out to be one a year since I turned 40!  ;)

When I finally decided to call in to make the appointment last Monday, it shocked me that they could see me in 4 days time!!!

I wasn't ready for that....what about mental preparation?

At first, I thought I could excuse myself out of it because Kindergarten gets out early on Fridays and I wouldn't be back in time, so I asked how long it would take.  The receptionist said 45 minutes --  from arrival to departure.  45 minutes?  WHAT medical related appointment ever takes just 45 minutes??

But, I went - and she was TRUE TO HER WORD!  I walked in at 9:25 and walked out at 10:10.

Here's some observations I had in those 45 minutes:

~We (myself & other ladies) waited in a waiting room (duh!) but were then, individually, called back to some desks on one side of the room, that were kind of separated from the waiting area by a half wall.  There, we would officially "check in" with a secretary type person.  I THINK this part is suppose to be private - they were asking us questions and such - BUT I COULD TOTALLY HEAR EACH & EVERY QUESTION THEY ASKED ALL THE PATIENTS THEY CALLED OVER while I sat waiting several feet away!!!

~To the office's credit, they do have an awesome flat screen TV on the wall of the waiting area that shows kind of like a scenery movie.  There are peaceful and beautiful scenes of waterfalls, and trees with really green foliage, and flowing streams, etc. all playing to the background music of soothing piano melodies.

*I MAY have closed my eyes while I was sitting there!*  ;)

It's a good idea to have it in their clinic -- maybe it's an attempt to get people's minds off what is about to happen to them!?  OR to distract us from hearing the other patients discussion with the secretaries about their previous "emergency contact" is now their ex-husband, whether or not they can speak English, if they are an organ donor, the details of their boob history, and their financial situation.

Which reminds me, one of my "favorites" I have saved on AccuRadio is called "Romantic Piano" - it's the beautiful sounds of the world's most versatile instrument.  That station is for when things get too crazy around here - like during the "witching hours"  (weekdays 4-6 p.m.)

~In the locker room, there were a bunch of robes monogrammed with their clinic's name & logo (Think what you see in nice hotels or spas).  But, the technician who took me back said that they were all the same size -- AND they were TOO SMALL in the shoulders to fit....so just put on the cape thing.  SO, WHAT'S THE POINT?!?  Don't tease us like that!

~While the technician was positioning me on the "smash machine," she informed me she's done a previous mammogram of mine.  Based on WHEN she made the comment, I thought she had said that because she recognized my breasts as ones she's handled before!  I was kind of stunned (freaked out) UNTIL I realized, she had just looked at my history on the computer in the room and it showed all the dates and people who had performed the tests.  whew! 
But, ya know what?!?  I'm pretty good at remembering details, but I DID NOT recognize her at all, let alone recall having her as my mammogram technician in the past!  Just goes to show that I must have blocked my previous experiences due to the high level of stress/discomfort - Repressed Memory is real!  (Even though it's controversial in the psychology world!)

~Considering the state of my aching back, it was even more difficult to follow all her instructions of:
Lean in
Put your other foot forward
Look the other way
Relax your arm
Pull your stomach back out of the way
Bring your armpit down to the plate
Chin up
Hair out of the way
Hold your breath
Don't Move
Do the Hokey Pokey and turn yourself about

My back has been hurting pretty bad in a NORMAL POSITION, but it hurt even worse GETTING INTO [the correct] POSITION there!

BUT, for the actual SMASH moments for the four different images they took.....Guess What?!?.....I did not notice the pain in my back!
It was trumped by the pain in my boobs!

I've Been Having a "Ton of Fun" Lately

• This week I had my third mammogram in the last eight and a half months. YES, 3 TIMES IN 8 1/2 MONTHS!!! AND.....get this.....I get to go in AGAIN for my 4th in three more months. Now, THAT is a lot of smashin' going on! So much for delaying my first-ever mammo experience, I've more than made up for it, now. Apparently, I am not "textbook normal" and so that's put them in "appointment scheduling overdrive" while they try to figure me out. When I ask them questions, they reply, "I don't know." These "Medical Professionals" are quite impressive, wouldn't you agree?!? They deserve every bit of that HUGE salary they make to be able to give......the same answers my 3 yr. old does!

• I was feeling a little bit sad and paranoid after a local teen was hit by a car and killed this week while walking his bike across a crosswalk (I know! So terrible.) So, I decided I wanted to pick up Kyle at the Jr. High School after his track practice instead of letting him walk home. I arrived at 4:15 and couldn't see him. I waited out front. I drove around to the side of the school. I talked with a couple of the kids I saw there who either:

a) didn't know anything
b) hadn't seen him
c) told me track practice had been over for a while

So, I headed back home at 4:25, taking a different route in case he had started to walk and I had missed him on my way there. I arrived home at 4:28 without ever seeing him.
At 4:30 my phone rang. It was Kyle asking for a ride home from the school. I got back in the car......

• A chappy/red/rash looking thing has appeared under my lip (so lovely) this week, (great! Just in time for my 20 year mission reunion tonight) So, I have been putting Desitin on it in an attempt to get rid of it. When the kids see me, they're like, "MOM! Wash that toothpaste off your face! You look stupid!" I have opted not to correct them on this matter - in case this story "leaks" at school or during a Home Teaching visit, as it often does, I figure toothpaste sounds a lot better than butt paste!

• While pruning in the yard this week in preparation for our city's annual "Spring Cleanup" pick up of leaves, limbs, and branches, I was attacking a rose bush. The branch was a tough one. I was squeezing those pruners with all my might, crouching down to get more leverage, when I was finally able to cut all the way through....and the upper branch flipped and slammed down on top of my head, with a big thorn aligned just right to pierce my scalp and draw blood.

• I have been getting phone calls daily from, according to my caller ID:

"New Co"
"California"
"Operation Lookout"
"Chicago, IL"
"Name Unknown"
"PacificTel"
"American Express Customer Service"
"Name Unavailable"
"Beehive Bail Bonds"
and the like.
AND I'm on the "DO NOT CALL" list.

• I was out of lipstick, so I went to the store and bought some, along with some other things, this week. When I got home, I unloaded the bags and the "other things" were all there. The lipstick? NOT THERE. I had the privilege of returning all the way back to the store to retrieve it, since I actually wanted the product - I didn't want to pay for it just for giggles. The store clerk claimed he'd bagged it. Upon searching the area, it was found on the check out counter, unbagged. Does this new purchase have something to do with the redness issue mentioned above?

• It's allergy season! My body is reacting by sneezing violently multiple times in a row. Seriously, I can't even catch my breath when the sneezing starts; a-chu, a-chu, a-chu, a-chu, a chu, a-chu, A-CHUUUU! (or maintain bladder control.)

See, like I said, FUN, FUN!

Didn't mean to make y'all jealous.

So, what have you been up to lately? Anything "fun?"

My "Smash"ogram

I turned 40 yrs. old 9 1/2 months ago.

Women know what THAT means.....I've moved into the "Mammogram years."

So, do you think I ran right out and got one 9 1/2 months ago?

NOPE.

Do you think I've had the written orders from my Dr. for months and months just attached to my magnet board at home?

YEP.

I guess my avoidance of the "experience" is part rebellion that I actually have gotten old enough to need one, part fear that the test might find something BAD, part dread of the inconvenience of having to arrange care for or (heaven forbid) take my little ones to the appointment, but MOSTLY it's been my qualms about the pain associated with having my boobs smashed flat as a pancake.

Since school got out, and I have 2 "live-in babysitter" now, at least one of my "hang ups" was gone, so I thought I could finally try to make an appointment. Now, even though I was calling, I thought I still had quite a bit of time. You see, I was completely expecting it to be more like my Pediatrician's office when I call in for an appt. there,

"It looks like Dr. Fruin is booked out until the end of October...."

(Just goes to show that MORE parents are trying to get their kids in for their school shots and Football Physicals than there are women taking care of their own mammograms) but that wasn't the case! The "Women's Imaging" department at the hospital had available appointment that same week! Like in a few days. Luckily, some out of town trips and my work schedule prevented that from happening, but I still got me an appt. within 10 days of calling.

YIKES.

That was too soon for me!

The day of the appointment, Ryan asked me if I was nervous. I admitted that I was.

He said, "Don't worry, Mom, I saw a billboard on the freeway about mammograms. Did you know that with early prevention, Breast Cancer is 99% curable?"

(Yes, I know. I'd seen those same guilt-inducing billboards prodding me over the last 9 1/2 months!)

I told him I was not so much worried about that as I was the pain. To which he had a question about WHY is would be painful. So, I got to explain to my 15 yr. old son about the boob torture machine.

He was horrified - mostly because of what he was thinking about. His next question let me in on his thoughts? "Do they have to do that to screen for Prostate Cancer, too?!!?"

So....I made it to my appointment....

When they questioned me, I turned out to be a real boring patient. No Breast Implants, No chance of being pregnant, No Breast Cancer history in my family, Not currently Breast Feeding, No Breast Surgeries, No discoveries in my self-exams (that's because I DON'T do them! woops!)

Getting in the right position took longer than the smash-and-X-ray part of it. Turns out I have breast tissue up to my chin, in my underarm regions, and around my back - and they needed it ALL on the compression plate.

The tech gave so many instructions:

Lean forward

Stick out your butt

Lift up your arm

Relax your shoulder

Straighten out your hips

Put your weight on your right foot

Come closer

Don't stand on your tippy toes (I'm too short, they need to bring the machine down)

Bend your left knee

Lift up your chin

Hold your other breast out of the way...but flatten out your hand, so it doesn't get in the picture.

Move your hair back

Hold perfectly still - don't breathe.

{It was a QUAD workout, let me tell you!}

Finally, when I still wasn't in the optimum position, the tech just started manhandling (cupping, pulling, moving, shifting, lifting) my boobs herself. Ya know, 20 years ago, I would've FREAKED OUT over that (at my first GYNO appt. for my pre-mission physical, the nurse had to practically hypnotize me in order for me to survive!), but strangely, that day, after 5 baby births, several female surgeries/procedures, and dozens of "special woman exams", I was pretty OK with being topless in front of and groped by the nurse. :) hahaha.

I made it...but my ANGST about the pain, it turns out, WAS VALID. I drove straight to the Maverick afterwards and got some "pain meds" in the form of a large Diet Dr. Pepper.

And I texted my husband warning him that he may not recognize his wife now! ;)