To My Neighbors, Laura and Heidi

Hello, my name is Suzanne, and I am a yeller.

(Is that even a real word?)

There. I said it.

It's out in the open now.

I know you've heard me.

And I am sorry.

My husband asks if this doesn't embarrass me (as if that will motivate me to stop.)

Yes, it does.

You no longer have to pretend like you don't know.

Or walk by sheepishly when you've "caught" me.

Or skittishly dance around the subject when you're talking to me.

We're getting rid of the "elephant in the room" right this moment!

I know I have a yelling problem.

My husband and kids have repeatedly told me as much.

But, I already knew even without their "observations."

Do you know how many times I have read Proverbs 15:1? "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." (a ton)

I've marked that scripture, and re-marked that scripture, and re-marked it again and again. I've done it with every color of scripture highlighter pencils I own.

My kids have asked me why I always yell.

The truth is, I don't always yell. (shocker for you?)

The first THREE (or 10) TIMES I said it to them, I was speaking in a normal voice. (which my husband thinks is still louder than "normal.")

But, with NO response. NONE. NADA. Nothing happens.

And, then I fall back into my ol' standby method -- I yell. (cringe)

And, boy, do they hear me then! They [finally] kick it into action...and then ask my why I always yell.

I'm just like the dogs in Pavlov's law - but I am a dog, as far as the Chinese new year goes - or maybe it's the rat I am - or some other equally undesirable animal.
Back to Pavlov's: I've learned, talking = no response, yelling = response.

At times, I have consciously made the choice to SAY NOTHING.
And I don't.
And I watch my family NOT doing what they should be doing. (This irritates me so much.)
I refrain from saying anything. I hold back. I remain silent.
Family still not doing what I expect.
I bite my tongue. I fight the "yelling monster" that wants so desperately to come out.
Still not getting the results from them.
I stew, and I stew, and I stew....but what happens to the pot of chili (blah!) when it stews for so long, with the heat getting increasingly higher?...It boils over!!
As is the same with me...I Yell - even though I wasn't going to. I'd chosen NOT to.
And the family's like, "WHOA! Where'd that come from? What's gotten into her? What's her problem?" (I'm telling you my problem right now!)
I resort back to my weakness. Just like the dog to his vomit.

I want to stop. I need to stop.
Saying, "Please forgive me" doesn't seem sincere or believable enough, since part of repentance means I will never do it again. And, so far, I keep doing it.
I have listened to our Church Leaders speak about this and have studied their General Conference talks. I have prayed about this. I have fasted about this. I have continually beat myself up about this.
Why can't I change into a "Non-yeller?" (Is that even a real word, also?)
Is this just a part of me? Is this who I am, unable to be altered? The ol' "You can't teach an old dog new tricks" case in point?

Here's the root of the problem:
There's a very short supply of patience in my entire being.
There are some things that I have little or NO tolerance for.
Things like:

disobedience
not listening
disrespect
irresponsibility
laziness
undependability
dishonesty
unwillingness to serve/help
"free-loaders"
thoughtlessness
being oblivious to the needs of others

And that's my problem I have to work out.

So, I say to my neighbors, I apologize to you for ever having to hear me yell. I don't want to run you out of town. But, is it any coincidence that in the 8 years, 10 months that we have lived in our current home, we have had SIX different next door neighbors? Yes, it's true - THREE different families have lived in each of the houses both on the left & on the right side of me.

And to my family...well, I've got ongoing repenting to do with you, in private.

I didn't realize it before, but it turns out, with all these references, I really am a dog!!
(Although, "bear" is the word my husband used.) :)