Picture This: True Joy

It's no secret that sometimes we look TERRIBLE in pictures!  Just outright terrible.
(It's just that most the time, I choose to never let them make it on this blog, social media, or into my scrapbook!)

There are times when our smile just does not look good.  It's forced.  It's dumb.  It's half-hearted.  There's no reason to smile.

It might have been because we were NOT in the mood to get our photo taken.
We were tired.
We were mad at someone.
We were not excited.
We were frustrated with the photographer and had just uttered, through clenched teeth, "Just hurry and take the *&%$# picture!" - and at that very moment, they DID!

We were trying too hard.


We just weren't feelin' it!

CASE IN POINT:

Here's a few of MY less-than-stellar moments caught on "film" - or how do I say that now?  Caught in the digital world?

And Matt's had a few doozies, too:

Just trying to 'Keep it Real.'

It happens even when we're together in a photo:

(They're just NOT that cute of us AT ALL!)

AND.....we see it in our teenagers, too!

It was practically like pulling eye teeth to get Ryan to show some love to the camera when he was getting his Senior pictures taken a couple weeks ago.

His "enthusiasm" about this experience is evidenced by his scrunched up forehead,

 the look in his eyes that communicates, "My mom has such stupid ideas!",

 his refusal to smile, but instead opted to stare down the photographer,

and his "forced smile.....that borders on gnashing his teeth.

(My sweet friend/photographer was VERY patient with him!)

BUT.....then in stark contrast......check out these pictures from the evening Ryan opened his mission call.  

This event was a much anticipated, much welcomed, very blessed & joyful time in our lives.

 (with his cousin, Tayler)

 (with the "old neighborhood kids" - they first met when they were 4 & 5 years old!)

 (no cringing, no lopsided, wacky stuff, no perturbed looks - EXCEPT for Bob Marley on the T-shirt, that is!)

I specifically remember when the picture was being taken, thinking, "I don't even have to TRY to smile for this, I just can't hold it back!

 (Is that a GLISTEN in my eye?  Do we have the Orbit gum commercial sparkle-on-the-teethy-smile going on?)   

As exciting as it was to find out where & when he will be going, the fact that he is willing, and able, and worthy to go.....THAT is what is causing our bona fide smiles!

WHAT A DIFFERENCE it makes in your pictures (see photos at the beginning of this post for comparisons!) when you're genuinely feeling true joy - THE PROOF IS [definitely] IN THE PHOTOS!

Why Didn't I Think of That?

This is how I found my daughter, in bed, on a Sunday morning...

THAT is her church dress underneath her pajamas!

That girl is THINKING!  (I surely can't take credit for the idea.)

Because 9:00a.m. church is VERY early!

It's one less thing she has to do to get ready on Sunday morning!  (AND she wanted to be the 1st One dressed for Sunday - the little competitor!)

What a clever child.

Maybe I should try it?  The reason I say that is this summer up at Youth Conference, a bunch of us adult leaders, including our current Bishop and one of our past Bishops, were sitting around talking and we got on the subject of what the Bishop sees going on in his congregation from the stand up front where he sits during Sacrament meeting.  There were a lot of funny stories shared, but our Bishop was serious when he told us that he can TOTALLY tell a difference in the families/people who are in the chapel ON TIME vs. the ones who come in LATE.  He says it TOTALLY shows in their countenances and in their attitudes and affects their ability to be in the right spirit to receive the full message of Sacrament meeting from beginning to end.  Uh Oh. 
It got me thinking......then I actually confirmed with him that he HAS known many times that just minutes before entering the chapel [late], I had been very cross with my children (and their inability to understand what, "Get dressed,"  "Brush your hair," and "Get in the car" means.)  Ever since that enlightening conversation four months ago, I have been even more ambitious to get us there on time -- even if it means driving off without some [unnamed] members of my family, who are then left to walk to church (it's not far at all - it's Utah, after all!)

So, back to my daughter's genius.....maybe her tactic WILL help.

(Nice that this "inspiration" came up in DECEMBER, the last of our 9:00a.m. church for this year - we'll be moving to 11:00a.m. the first of the new year.)  ;)

The Last of a First

MY BABY lost her first tooth today!

Except BABIES don't lose teeth.....

Which means......

She's probably NOT a baby anymore....???

It is kind of alarming to think about.

All of a sudden it was hard for me to swallow.

Should I cheer?

Or should I cry?

It felt quite eerie to me.

I have had "LITTLE CHILDREN" for so long.....
(17 2/3 years to be exact)
...that somehow it seemed like I would have them forever....

And with the loss of a tooth....it's a sign that the "little" is on it's way out.

I've thought about the "someday" when I would no longer be in the "little" stage all these year a lot, no doubt - but it was always an unreachable future (far off future) date!

Basically, I never thought this day would come.

And it just did.

I kind of have a headache.

And my teeth are chattering.
(But that may be because it's 11:30 at night and I just drank a whole cup of ice cold water.)

I'm amazed.  And confused.
(Name that song & artist!)

Miss B was SO eager to show all her brothers & sisters as they came home from school one by one.
(She claims she can "whistle" out the hole, now.  It's more like a "blow", but whatever!)

I was really excited along with her as they each reacted with delight.....
And then I kinda wanted to pretend it didn't happen, too, all at the same time.

When I think about it, the "word" that comes to my mind is "Uh Oh" - as my eyes dart this way and that way and I wonder, Am I in the Twilight Zone?

It is an unfamiliar, mystifying place to be!

*******
In other news, the normally irresponsible, extremely tardy, down-right neglectful Tooth Fairy has already made the visit!  The money is waiting under her pillow as we speak (or write).

He's (she?) trying to redeem him(her?)self.

You see, I think the promptness & dependable behavior of the Tooth Fairy can be explained by the fact that at the very moment her actual tooth came out, I was in my office, with the door closed, working, and she was eating a corn dog in the kitchen (she bit into the stick, and out came her tooth!)  I heard a little cry/whimper, but then it stopped.  A minute later, she came into my office and got up into my face, with her mouth open (and a bit bloody) and let out a moan of sorts - to my surprise, she'd lost a tooth!  And THEN I realized I had MISSED it!  The last first tooth juncture of any of my children - GONE!  And then I berated myself.  I know!  Mother of the Year material right there.
(Although, if I were being realistic, losing a tooth happens away from home [& Mom] all the time.  My other children have lost them at school quite a bit, in fact.  Heck!  I lost my first tooth on the school bus - because I was biting on the seat in front of me. [gross!] )
But, still.....I expect MORE THAN reality.....it's a surefire way to go insane! 

The Writing on the Wall......or Mirror

I have been listening to General Conference talks while I get ready in my bathroom for the day. When I hear a line or phrase that REALLY strikes a chord with me, I have been writing it down......with a dry erase marker, in large-ish letters, on my bathroom mirror.

This way, I can see and read it again and again - like EVERY TIME I walk into the bathroom. While I'm brushing my teeth. While I'm washing my hands. While I'm putting in my contacts.......No wait, let's be honest - I can't see, let alone read, ANYTHING real if my contacts aren't in. Soooo, every other time besides then, it's a good reminder!

Here's my latest:

"There is no substitute for love."

It's taken from President Thomas S. Monson's talk titled, "Come, All Ye Sons of God"

(http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/come-all-ye-sons-of-god?lang=eng)

This one hit me because I have my children and my Young Women (12-18 yr. old girls at church, who I feel like are numbered among my children) on my mind SO MUCH - particularly while listening to the words of our church leaders.  There HAS TO BE love.  They need to know I love them.  Even - and especially - for the ones who make me super, uber frustrated sometimes!!!

I checked this book out from the library to give my more inspiration on the subject:

The other ones that have "made the mirror" so far are:

"...A still voice of perfect mildness..."

This one is taken from Sister Rosemary M. Wixom's talk (General Primary President) titled, "The Words We Speak"

(http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/the-words-we-speak?lang=eng)

It is also a quote from scripture, Helaman 5: 30.

I don't need to holler around the house like a maniac when I'm trying to find someone.  I could, like, actually get up and go to another floor or walk down the hall and speak to that person NORMALLY and calmly!!  

I can learn from that voice from heaven - it gave firm direction while giving hope.  It was not loud, scolding, or demeaning.   This is SO hard!  Even 3+ years after I first wrote on this blog about it, I don't have it perfected!  I AM practicing at it though - and I've found that when I speak even quieter than my "normal" voice, my husband ALWAYS says, "What?"  Uh Oh, he can't even tell what I said - his hearing is going!  But, my vision is going - SO WE MAKE A GREAT [disabled] PAIR!  ;)

Here's another one:

"Recognize the good in others, not their stains....always build on his or her virtues."

This was taken from Richard G. Scott's talk titled, "For Peace at Home"

(http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/for-peace-at-home?lang=eng)

This may be very beneficial to the "Love" one above.  It could lower my disappointment in others and prevent me from becoming upset or discouraged about others and what they are doing with their Free Agency!  This one is hard, too - it's against my natural tendencies (and the part of me that is "Realistic"!)

Because I erase the previous one when I write down a new one, I wanted to record them here! :)

But, I am thankful for the EASE of which we have to listen to the words of God.  It's right there on my iPad in the comfort of my own bathroom - with just a few touches!  So great!

A New Chapter

Hey.....Can you HEAR that?

...Listen... 

It's QUIET.

Absolutely no one is home except for me.  This has not been the case for over 16 1/2 years!  Since becoming a mom, I have always had a child(ren) home with me.

And now, somehow the years went by, my babies grew up,  and my youngest "Baby" goes to preschool 3X a week for 2 1/2 hours.

Admittedly, I have dreamed of this day; when I could be free to run errands and go to appointments without a child in tow or having to find someone else to watch them for me.  I always said IT WOULD BE SO NICE....

....And now the day is here...and it is weird!

I won't deny that it IS nice, but it is definitely weird - I think I feel a little bit lost. 

I find myself wondering what I should do.

NOT because I don't have anything to do -- believe me, I DO!

It's just that, up until now, someone ELSE (my babies) have always controlled and dictated WHAT I would do.

Make a snack
Change a diaper
Fill up their sippy cup
Reach something that is too high
Watch them attempt a somersault
Put on a band-aid
Make lunch
Clean off their messy face
Change their clothes
Put them down for a nap
Call or walk them to a friend's house
Put on a band-aid
Wipe their bum
Find their shoes
Get gum out of their hair
Pull the finger out that got stuck in the drawer
Put on a band-aid
Get a fruit snack for them
Wash their hands
Set up the Play-dough
Put the Play-dough away
Open the door
Put on a band-aid

....And NOW....I CHOOSE WHAT I will do.

I was even at Wal-mart recently in the checkout line with a v-e-r-y SLLOOOOW checker, but I was okay with it - I didn't have a tantrum-throwing child with me, after all.   The gal behind me DID and she had to be at another engagement in 20 minutes, so she was stressing, checking her watch, and scoping out alternative checkout lines that might possibly be shorter/faster (there weren't any) the whole time.  I was actually in a position to offer her to go in front of me in line because I am free and I wasn't in a rush!

It's a very NEW concept for me.

So many choices, so little time!  2 1/2 hrs. in not very long!  Especially when I work during her preschool time twice a week. 

But, just so you know, don't be at all surprised to see me hanging out alone in the Hallmark section of the store just reading (not buying) all the cards just for funsies -- just because I CAN!  :)

Dare to Stand Alone

I have been serving in the Young Women organization in our church for just over a year now.

This week, I especially had them on my mind, and a prayer for them running through my heart.

Because of that, I was reading this month's issue of The New Era, a magazine geared for the youth, ages 12-18, published by the LDS church, for some inspiration and comfort. One article referenced THIS clip and I thought it was great.  It hit me as SO pertinent for them - and for me -- and for all of us.

I love this message from our living Prophet.....

"In reality, we are never alone, when we stand with our Father in Heaven."

INTERRUPTIONS

It is Summer Break.
And ALL the kids are home with ME.
ALL FIVE kids.
EVERY day.

I need to remember this:

Interruptions 
When you are exasperated by interruptions, try to remember that their very frequency may indicate the value of your life. Only people who are full of help and strength are burdened by other persons' needs. The interruptions which we chafe at are the credentials of our indispensability. The greatest condemnation that anybody could incur - and it is a danger to guard against - is to be so independent, so unhelpful, that nobody ever interrupts us, and we are left comfortably alone."
-Anonymous
from The Anglican Digest

Guess What November Means?

Wish me luck!

Something to Aspire To

Friday my boys had their Spring Piano Recital.
It's always been held at the library, which our piano teacher schedules and reserves before lessons even start at Back to School time, so, at least 9 months in advance.
We arrive at the library on Friday, and a lot of our students & families are standing around out in the foyer, some are looking into the recital room.
I wondered why no one was going in.
I soon found out.
The library had double-booked their room.
Now, I don't know how or who decides which booking of the double-booking gets to stay, but it was not us!
The word out in the foyer was that we were going to move it to Mrs. Green's house, a lady who was there to attend our recital, and had volunteered. I didn't know her, I'd never met her before this day, but I will not soon forget her.
Now, to volunteer such a thing - that was oh, so generous. And helpful. And thoughtful. And very Save-the-Day-ish, but my first thought was,

Who can do that?

Who can have 50+ people just come to their house with absolutely NO notice and host a piano recital?
Is she always ready for that sort of thing at any given moment? Or did we just catch her at a good time? Really, who can do that?

NOT ME!

And it wasn't just her piano room that looked nice and prepared. Her front yard was FINE, that we all walked by. Her kitchen was clean and counters cleared that the much-anticipated (at least by my kids) Post-Recital refreshments, Dick's Bakery doughnuts, were set out on. And the "over-flow" Family Room was in order and able to house attendees. Not to mention, she produced much seating for everyone in a short period of time, just using her own resources. Sometimes, I might have ONE area in my home that is presentable, but all of it?
A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.
I was so impressed with her.
And at the same time I was in horror at any such occasions of me being forced to do the same thing. Not that I can think of a situation where I'd have to do that against my will, but if I did...OH, I shudder at the very thought!

But, ONE DAY (in another life) I would like to be able to be like HER!

And the fine examples don't stop with just Mrs. Green.
Take our dear piano teacher, Janene Mann, for another illustration. I have known her for the last 9 years we have lived in Farmington. I have looked up to her for various reasons over the years, but I don't think I will ever forget her on this piano recital day.
She walked around with the same bounce in her step as always.
The same smile on her face that is a part of her.
I heard no arguing between her and the "other double-bookee."
I did not see her at the circulation desk at the library chewing someone out.
She stood in front of our group at the new venue and welcomed us warmly just the same as she's done at all previous recitals we've experienced with her over the last 5 1/2 years.
She was very gracious to Mrs. Green.
I did not see her sitting in the corner with a scowl on her face, arms folded across her chest, grunting, with smoke coming out of her ears.
She thought of ME and MY FAMILY as she invited us to "make sure and get some doughnuts before you leave" even though we had to go early.
She sent us (& all her students' family) an email the next day thanking us for being flexible, calling it "an adventure" and pouring out words of compliments about the performances and the recital. All positive messages.
And again my thought was,

Who can do that?

Who can stay calm, cool, and collected when a HUGE thing goes awry? And especially when you've been WRONGED? Who can NOT worry about, "Where's the justice?" No anger? No frustration? No resentment? No bad-mouthing? Not provoked? No letting-it-ruin-your-whole-day-ness? Only Charity. Really, Who can do that?

NOT ME!

I.N.C.R.E.D.I.B.L.E.

It touched me strongly.

And at the same time, I am frightened to think how I would act in the same situation. Not that I am ever planning on becoming a piano teacher, but if I did....Oh, just get out of the way - it would not be pretty! (much to my mortification)

ONE DAY (hopefully in this life) I would like to be able to be like HER!

To My Neighbors, Laura and Heidi

Hello, my name is Suzanne, and I am a yeller.

(Is that even a real word?)

There. I said it.

It's out in the open now.

I know you've heard me.

And I am sorry.

My husband asks if this doesn't embarrass me (as if that will motivate me to stop.)

Yes, it does.

You no longer have to pretend like you don't know.

Or walk by sheepishly when you've "caught" me.

Or skittishly dance around the subject when you're talking to me.

We're getting rid of the "elephant in the room" right this moment!

I know I have a yelling problem.

My husband and kids have repeatedly told me as much.

But, I already knew even without their "observations."

Do you know how many times I have read Proverbs 15:1? "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." (a ton)

I've marked that scripture, and re-marked that scripture, and re-marked it again and again. I've done it with every color of scripture highlighter pencils I own.

My kids have asked me why I always yell.

The truth is, I don't always yell. (shocker for you?)

The first THREE (or 10) TIMES I said it to them, I was speaking in a normal voice. (which my husband thinks is still louder than "normal.")

But, with NO response. NONE. NADA. Nothing happens.

And, then I fall back into my ol' standby method -- I yell. (cringe)

And, boy, do they hear me then! They [finally] kick it into action...and then ask my why I always yell.

I'm just like the dogs in Pavlov's law - but I am a dog, as far as the Chinese new year goes - or maybe it's the rat I am - or some other equally undesirable animal.
Back to Pavlov's: I've learned, talking = no response, yelling = response.

At times, I have consciously made the choice to SAY NOTHING.
And I don't.
And I watch my family NOT doing what they should be doing. (This irritates me so much.)
I refrain from saying anything. I hold back. I remain silent.
Family still not doing what I expect.
I bite my tongue. I fight the "yelling monster" that wants so desperately to come out.
Still not getting the results from them.
I stew, and I stew, and I stew....but what happens to the pot of chili (blah!) when it stews for so long, with the heat getting increasingly higher?...It boils over!!
As is the same with me...I Yell - even though I wasn't going to. I'd chosen NOT to.
And the family's like, "WHOA! Where'd that come from? What's gotten into her? What's her problem?" (I'm telling you my problem right now!)
I resort back to my weakness. Just like the dog to his vomit.

I want to stop. I need to stop.
Saying, "Please forgive me" doesn't seem sincere or believable enough, since part of repentance means I will never do it again. And, so far, I keep doing it.
I have listened to our Church Leaders speak about this and have studied their General Conference talks. I have prayed about this. I have fasted about this. I have continually beat myself up about this.
Why can't I change into a "Non-yeller?" (Is that even a real word, also?)
Is this just a part of me? Is this who I am, unable to be altered? The ol' "You can't teach an old dog new tricks" case in point?

Here's the root of the problem:
There's a very short supply of patience in my entire being.
There are some things that I have little or NO tolerance for.
Things like:

disobedience
not listening
disrespect
irresponsibility
laziness
undependability
dishonesty
unwillingness to serve/help
"free-loaders"
thoughtlessness
being oblivious to the needs of others

And that's my problem I have to work out.

So, I say to my neighbors, I apologize to you for ever having to hear me yell. I don't want to run you out of town. But, is it any coincidence that in the 8 years, 10 months that we have lived in our current home, we have had SIX different next door neighbors? Yes, it's true - THREE different families have lived in each of the houses both on the left & on the right side of me.

And to my family...well, I've got ongoing repenting to do with you, in private.

I didn't realize it before, but it turns out, with all these references, I really am a dog!!
(Although, "bear" is the word my husband used.) :)

If I Wasn't a Blogger, What Would I Do?

A few weeks ago, around the dinner table, we were having a discussion of some sort. The exact details of the entire conversation are kind of fuzzy, but there's one part that I haven't been able to forget. Which is really quite amazing since I'm really having a "forgetting" problem as of late. Maybe that is a testament to how impressionable it was on me!

So, we're talking about something (here's the fuzzy part).....but it had to do with doing something...like rebuilding a car engine
or reading the complete Twilight series
or getting a Master's Degree
or raising your own pigs
or watching all the Reality T.V. shows
or becoming an astronaut
or being the President
...or something equally as difficult, time-consuming, and unreasonable at this "season" in my life.

OK, so on to the non-fuzzy part.
So, right after we were talking about whatever [it may or may not have been one of the above listed items],
my oldest son, Ryan, who-in-my-opinion-should-know-better-than-to say-this, said, "Mom, you should do that!"
That sort of comment always takes me a little aback, because, are they saying it because they think I'm not valuable enough the way I am, with what I am already doing? Or do they think I do nothing, and they're trying to find me a "hobby?"
Whatever...
I retorted, "Yeah, right, with what time?"
in a tone of voice that was suppose to give off the message of, "You are talking complete nonsense, get a grip on reality, Buddy!" and it would force him to comprehend the error of his comment.
Nope. Apparently, the "tone" failed.
Because he came back (rather quickly, I must add) with, "With all your blogging time!"

And THEN, and then, Matt, after thinking silently for a minute, said, "Yeah."

What? My own husband?

To which I lamely replied, "Blogging replaced my scrapbooking time."

At that point, the conversation was over, but not the thoughts - at least for me!

And what do you do when you can't quit thinking about something? You blog about it, of course.

The reason I know they didn't give it another thought is, because, in order to assist with the details of this post, I asked those male members of my family, the same ones who were involved in this very conversation and offering me alternative life solutions, just what it was we were talking about in the beginning....and they both could only vaguely remember us having any such conversation, let alone the details of what big, fabulous thing I should be doing with my life [in place of my blogging time.]

Why can't boys ever remember what you talk about? I do not get this. Never will! But, that's another post....

I need to say that the comment back at the dinner table rather confused me, because those two guys, especially, really like my our blog. And they really like our family scrapbooks, too. Basically, they've always thought it was cool that I did these things.

Anyway - here's what I've been thinking about, very simply:

Does blogging take too much time?

Not necessarily me making posts, but me reading all your wonderful posts. Just make them a little more uninteresting & despicable and I wouldn't have a hard time giving them up! ;)

But, I like it so much! And that is my reading, I don't read other books & magazines.

I don't think I could give it up for Lent, that's for sure - at least I wouldn't want to! (If I was even Catholic in the first place, which I'm not.)

But, my family's comments linger in my brain.

So, the first thing I decided to do was "clean house." I had a ton of [approx. 20] blogs on my blogroll that I "stalked." I didn't even know these people at all. I'd never met them. They didn't know me. I didn't comment on their blogs. I just made the decision to delete them. That just cut out some "blogging time." - check.

And secondly, lately, in conjunction with a new system cutover at work, I've found myself working A LOT more hours that I'm not used to. And the majority of those hours are in the wee hours of the morning, when not too many customers are dialing up causing our phones to ring off the hook. So, a new idea began to form....What if I decided to NOT read blogs during the day anymore, but what if I could wait to read them during this time, at insane hours, when I'm awake (barely), sitting in front of a computer and not really doing much? It would mean I might be reading things a couple of days late and not be "in the know" all the time, but oh well....

You may have noticed my comments on your blogs lately have some really odd time stamps on them, like between the hours of 1:00 to 4:00 in the morning. NO, that's not a typo, it's when I'm reading them....
...and as a result, using my old "blogging time" to do other things - but, NOT to become an astronaut - yet! :)