Behavior Assessment

It's time for the annual IEP at school for my daughter.  The school psychologist called me and said the last Social History and Behavior Assessment they have on file was done almost 8 years ago, when my daughter was just 3 yrs. old, so she wanted to send home a bazillion forms for me to fill out again in order to "update" her file.  I just got done filling out several Behavior Assessment forms.
I was laughing out loud at some of the phrases it uses to describe how children may act.
(I was supposed to respond with "Never," "Sometimes," Often," or "Almost always")  
Eats things that are not food
Fiddles with things while at meals
Breaks the rules just to see what will happen
Sets fires
Argues when denied own way  (don't all children?  Don't they?  You DO KNOW what I'm talking about, right?!?  Hello?  Anybody there?)
Volunteers to help clean up around the house  (BAA HAA HAA hahaha!  You understand WHY I am laughing on this one, too, right?  Yoo Hoo!  Where did everybody go?!?)
Sleeps with parents
Vomits - could this be due to eating things that are not food?


Then I started to wonder......

What if the tables were turned?  

What if some psychologist asked one [or all] of my children to fill out this form ABOUT ME?

I'm afraid I would not "pass" the test.  They would rate me with the "Almost Always" on many of them.

For example:

Eats too much

Is easily annoyed by others - especially children who act like wild animals, swinging from the chandelier while choking another sibling, calling names, throwing balls & consequently breaking something, and spilling beverages all within a 5 min. time frame.

Does strange things

Is unable to slow down - especially when we were suppose to be out the door 10 min. ago and there's still 7 unfound "neccesary" items to get....and girls' hair to be brushed.

Babbles to self

Will change direction to avoid having to greet someone - especially when a "long winded" person is spotted and we are suppose to be somewhere else [across town] in 15 min. and we still have to stand in the check out line.

Acts confused

Avoids competing with other children - especially in games of Chess & Super Mario.

Acts out of control

Repeats one thought over & over - like, "Get in the car, we're going."  "Get in the car, we're going."  "Get in the car!"

Speaks in short phrases that are hard to understand - like, "Get in the car, we're going."  "Get in the car, we're going."  "Get in the car!"

Is unclear when presenting ideas - like, "Get in the car, we're going."  "Get in the car, we're going."  "Get in the car!"

Says, "Nobody understands me"  (as a result of above 3???)

Annoys others on purpose - like turning off the T.V. when NO Saturday jobs have been done.....because that has been the rule for the last 45 years!

Seems out of touch with reality - like not letting children watch T.V. when they've done NOTHING to contribute to the family/home yet that day!  Geez!

Is overly active - like cleaning up the kitchen RIGHT after dinner while everyone else's main goal is to just go "hide" in the basement and/or lay on the couch....and repeatedly trying to convince others to be likewise "active" at this time for some reason.

Acts as if other children are not there - especially when we interrupt her when she is on talking on the phone.

Sneaks around - especially when she attempts to go use the bathroom.

Has trouble fastening buttons on clothing - especially after a 10+ lb. gain!

Hears sounds that are not there - like big, loud crashing noises.  When she calls out, "What was THAT?!" we always are telling her, "NOTHING!"

Stares blankly - especially following a less-than-5-hrs.-of-sleep night(s), or when her children say things like, "We shouldn't have to do any chores."

Says things that make no sense - like, "We are a family.  That means EACH person is a helpful, contributing member of our family."

Sees things that are not there - like "messes" on the stairs, couches, in the mudroom and our bedrooms.

Falls down - it has NOTHING to do with the junk left on the stairs or floor....just her own clumsiness!

Runs away from home - at least she fantasizes about it sometimes!

Acts strangely

Yep, that'd be a dangerous thing for them to fill out the assessment - I'm pretty sure my children would "throw me under the bus" and I'd definitely be referred to psychiatric treatment based on my "behaviors."  :)