I Don't Take Rejection Well

A friend of mine referred me to BioLife, a place she goes to donate plasma, to earn some extra cash (every little bit helps when you have a missionary out!)

So, I go for my first time and they do all this "paperwork" (on the computer) first - including getting my fingerprint digitally, so I can "sign" by putting my finger on this devise.

They also do this medical pre-screening where they weigh you (Oh joy!  That's enough to back out right on the spot!) and check your arms.  They also take your temperature/blood pressure/pulse and they prick your finger to test your blood for hematocrit & protein levels.

By the time I get called up for my med pre-screen, I'd already been there for about an hour (plus the 15 min. drive time) so I was ready to get the show on the road!  Only to have them test my finger prick and tell me my hematocrit level was too low - BY ONE POINT!  So, I was disqualified from donating that day.  What?!?  I'm not good enough?  I didn't like that feeling.  I couldn't leave it like THAT!
They gave me a pamphlet with ideas on how to raise my hematocrit levels, some of which were eating more tuna and raisins!  I DON'T THINK SO!  Those are two foods I try to never come in contact with!  Thus, my low levels?  I opted for the iron supplement route instead and went back the next day and passed!  YES!
(Although, they didn't get a good "stick" on the first arm, and they eventually had to take it out and re-try on my other arm - a "Two for One deal" as they call it, ya, real funny!)  They told me that first arm they had tried is a little more tricky, and in the future, to ask for an"experienced" person.  Ummmm, shouldn't they ALL be experienced?

So, then I went back the next week - I wanted to see if I could do it "incident-free" and not have them find anything wrong with me.  Since, it was my 2nd time, I was "flagged" when I signed in, I guess.
So, they had me walk over to the receptionist area,
Then she directed me to the waiting area.
Then when I was "cleared" by a supervisor, they told me to go over to the computer area for my questionnaire.  One of the questions was about recent vaccinations received and I had just gotten my flu shot the day before, so I marked it yes....which ended up "flagging" me.
When I walked over to the pre-screen area, they saw the "flag" and had me walk over into a private consultation room to ask me about that question.
She didn't know if the flu shot was OK, or not, so then we walked over to the nurses offices to find out.
They said it was OK, so then we walked back to the consultation room, and that computer wouldn't work.
So, we went to find help, then FINALLY we were cleared to go back to pre-screening.
And they proceeded to take my vitals - and surprise, surprise, my pulse was too high!
What?  Another failure?
She said it was probably from all that walking to and fro in the previous 10 minutes.  (It might've ALSO had something to do with the fact that, right before she took it, I started thinking about my "2 for 1" experience from last time!)
This time, instead of rejecting me right on the spot, they told me to sit down for 5 minutes and then they could re-test my pulse.
I felt pretty unsettled about not "passing" again - I don't like that!  It's just a little, little thing, but it didn't sit well with me, so I was determined to prove them!  I HAD to be found worthy!  ;)  So, as I sat, I may or may not have engaged in deep yoga-like breathing exercises until they called my name again, and after testing me - my pulse was just fine!  YES!

So, then I was bound & determined to have a SMOOTH draw and PASS everything with flying colors, that I went again.  Hematocrit - PASS.  Pulse - PASS.  (We're on a roll!)  And then it came time for the stick.  It should've been a clue to me when the phlebotomist took extra time feeling my arm and touching up and down my vein.  Then she kept rubbing my vein and looking and feeling some more.  In fact, it WAS a clue, I was very aware of her hesitancy, BUT I had talked to her before we started saying that an experienced person needs to do my left arm, and she didn't back out, so I took that to mean she was, and I didn't refuse her and demand someone else.  Because, after all, wasn't that a lot of the reason I was THERE again?  Trying myself, not to be refused?  So, I'm not prone to do it to someone else.  She finally completed the stick, but the flow wasn't up to par, so she called for assistance, and someone else came and "adjusted" the needle (i.e. pushed it further in - too far, I believe, since as soon as she did it, I FELT a pain!  So, they moved it back a bit).  That draw took a little bit longer than normal, so NOT a success in my book.

That time WAS going to be my last time.......BUT in the days since I was there, I have developed bruising on my arm in the area above the stick site - it is in the area I felt pain in when they pushed the needle up TOO FAR.  Surprise, surprise!  The bruising on my arm now disqualifies me for another donation until it goes away.  So just knowing that; if I were to go in, not that I was necessarily even planning on it, BUT IF I DID and they saw my bruised arm, I'd be rejected......and that BUGS ME again.  It's like I have this little phrase that goes off in my head repeatedly, "They WILL NOT reject me.  They WILL NOT reject me.  I CAN do it!  I CAN!"

Uh oh, I think this means I might be back!  ;)

*This "condition" I have can probably be attributed to my 5th Grade teacher.  She made us memorize quotes, and one of them (that I OBVIOUSLY took to heart) was, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!"

I'm a Creature of Habit

Is this O.C.D. or just second nature? 

Do I need professional help or should I be teaching lessons on efficiency?

EVERY SINGLE TIME I empty the dishwasher, I start with the lower rack first and get out the large plates, then the medium plates, then the small plates.  Next, I move to the upper rack and grab the big glass bowls, then the regular-size glass bowls, and finally the plastic/melamine kids' bowls (because they go in the same cabinet as the plates).  Then, while I'm still on the upper rack, I empty out the mugs, then the glasses, then the plastic kids' cups.  Then there's still an order to the measuring cups, lids and large cooking utensils.  I go back down to the lower rack for the cutting boards/tupperware containers/pots & pans and any other random stuff.  I always finish very last with the silverware tote.  I do it like this EVERY time.  I never depart from this routine.

EVERY SINGLE TIME I put on my lip balm - and if you know me, you know that is about 12+ times a day - I start on the lower left lip, slide over to the right lower lip, and then swipe back to the starting point.  Then I move to the upper lip; starting on the right side, sliding over to the left side, and finish up by swiping back to the upper right side.  I ALWAYS apply my lip balm this way - no other way.

Face.  Neck.  Left arm.  Chest.  Right arm.  Stomach/torso.  Right leg.  Left leg.  "Down South."  Rear end.  Back.  Hair.  Make a turban for my head.  THIS is the order that I dry off EVERY SINGLE TIME I get out of the shower.  It's like I don't even know how to do it any other way.  I'd surely forget a body part if I did it "out of sync."

Do YOU have things you HAVE to do a certain way?!?

My Brain was Delivered Yesterday

I have ALWAYS used a calendar.

I have to write everything down on a calendar, or it doesn't happen!  Like, the event doesn't even exist if it's not on my calendar!

When I am away from home (and my calendar), and people ask if they can schedule something with me, I direct my eyes upward and try to picture my calendar on the wall to see if anything is written on it.  I'll say, I THINK that's OK, but I can't ever give them a firm commitment until I have a chance to come home and actually look at it.

I've never understood how some people can just keep things in their heads....and remember!

I go over our calendar for the week with everyone during "Family Business" time.  And then I also [try to] look at it every night for the next day - even though I have to look at it again the next morning to remind myself what is happening that day.  AND, it's also a good idea if I look at it again during the day because sometimes (often) by afternoon, I will have forgotten, just since the morning, the things I had going on that day!
BTW, remember when I asked if anyone had found my mind, yet?  Have you?

I usually get a calendar for Christmas, but this year I didn't.  {gasp!}  So, I ordered one myself.  It's "the calendar" that I have used, and my mom has used, for like 30 years.  The only problem was.....FedEx was ALSO affected by the SAME Winter Vortex that jetBlue was, and their deliveries were WAY SLOW & BEHIND.  It took two weeks to be delivered to me - and that was 2 1/2 weeks too long for me!

I didn't know WHAT was going on!  For 15 days!

I felt out of control.  In chaos.  I had no grip on life.  A loss of reality.  I couldn't get organized!

In fact, Ryan would text me a couple of times asking if we had anything on a certain day because his boss wanted him to work, or friends were planning something.....

I would text back, Idk, I don't have a calendar!

To which he responded by text back, This is really messing up my life!

I finally resorted to printing the generic calendar template off the Excel program on our computer and sticking the piece of paper on the wall.

But, YESTERDAY, all that nonsense ended with a much awaited delivery! 
Here it is!  What a beauty.  I practically cried to get a real calendar up on my wall.

I've always really liked writing things on my calendar, too.
For instance, when I get a new sports schedule for one of my children, it gives me such satisfaction to write it all on the calendar.
I think I've come to the conclusion that the reason is, not because I like to be busy, in fact, I've shared before that I LOVE when the calendar square has NOTHING written on it for a day!  So, the real reason is this: It takes a load off of me! It's such a relief that I no longer have to store it in my memory - it is written down.  I feel all organized when I can depend on my calendar to tell me what to do, instead of my [lack of] brain to tell me!  That's why I call my calendar "My Brain."

So, guess what I spent most of today doing to my brand new [blank] calendar?!?

Aaaaaahh!  I feel so much better!

I can sleep at night, now!  ;)

Resolutions Report

I know, I know.....January is already A THIRD of the way over and I haven't even made my New Year's Resolutions for 2014, yet!  What a slacker.  ;) 
I'm hesitant to do it.....and I think I know WHY.  It MAY have something to do with the fact that I already KNOW I wasn't even 100% on my last year's ones!
I wrote them on this blog o' mine, to hold myself accountable, so it's not like I could just "forget" about them ever existing!  {darn}

But, maybe I have to "close out" 2013 before I can move on to 2014???
So, here's the "Report."

1. Invite another couple to go out to dinner with us every month 
THIS one was suppose to be a FUN goal!  And it was......when we could get another couple to accept our invitation, that is!  ;)

THANKS FOR THE GOOD TIMES:

Page's

Sears'

Maxwell's

Knudsen's

Badham's

Lacy's

Waters'

Peterson's

Bryson's

Wood's

It actually turned out to be really tricky....and I hadn't expected it to be!  

At times, I had a High School Flashback - like I was getting turned down for dates, and all!  (Not that I asked too many people out on dates in H.S., but all those awkward/vulnerable/rejection/uneasy/wanting-to-be-accepted gumbo feelings are all related)  Matt, the eternal optimist, would try to tell me that people's schedules are just busy and it's hard to always match up with ours.  And, also, that a surprising number of couples are not even used to going out on weekly, or even monthly, dates.  I, on the other hand, assumed it meant that all these people who had excuses weren't able to go would rather poke needles in their eyes than go out with US!  (Is it ME?  Is it MATT?  Or is it the combination of the two of us?)  We take showers, and Matt wears cologne!!  (maybe THAT IS the issue? ;))
Report:  So, we actually were able to go out with another couple 11 out of the 12 months this year.  
BUT, I will confess; one month, we got invited - by relatives - and we "counted" it anyway.  The other month we missed, we happened to be at Station Park on the very last day, and we ran into some others we knew, and we sat together at an outdoor table to eat our treats, and talked for just a little while.....Matt thinks we should "count" that, too, and call it 100% accomplished!  
But, I'm more.....shall we say, "exact" in observing the rules, so if you ask me, I don't count either of those, and we only had 10 out of 12 for 83%.  
BUT, on the other hand, if you read the wording in the goal, it actually says TO INVITE another couple out, not actually TO GO (I just had the misconception that the two would go hand in hand).  So, looking at the goal LITERALLY, we WERE 100% in our inviting - even 110% - because sometimes we invited multiple couples before we got any takers.  So, YEA, check that one off, after all!?!

2. Get ready IN THE MORNING
I thought this one would be hard....and it was.
There is such a PULL for me to just hit the ground running in the morning to get things done - and getting ready just seems to get in the way of all that!  So, I really had to force myself to do this against my own natural urges.
Report:  I did this usually 5 out of 7 days (with Saturday frequently being the day I didn't)  So, I was about 71%.  Which is 5X better than it was before I started this goal! says Matt, the eternal optimist.  But, it's still not an instinctive habit.  {dang}

3. Write more on my blog
Even thought I really enjoy this one....it was hard to get it done!  There were too many days that had no blogging time in them. 
Report:  I had a frequency in my head, that I kept quiet - AND was super lofty, of how often I wanted to write on my blog.  Did I reach that number?  No.
BUT, again, if you read the wording in the goal, it actually says to write MORE.  So, looking at the goal LITERALLY (and the yearly count blogger so conveniently adds up for me) I did indeed write more than in 2012 and in 2011!  So, check it off?  Sure! says Matt, the eternal optimist.....or is that defined as a "short cutter?"  ;)   

4. Healthier Lifestyle
OK.....remember how I was going to introduce a new healthy thing per month and write on my blog about it?  Well, I did it in January, February, and March.....and then STOPPED!  Well, I stopped writing about it after March, and I stopped doing anything new one month later, in April.  I didn't even get to the "eat breakfast" month or the "reduce soda" month, let alone the "control your condiments/toppings" month or "more sleep" month.  (Probably because I knew they were too lofty?!?)
Report:  I sucked it up on this one.  Even though, I planned and announced my new thing those first few months, I never did do well at weight lifting in February, so I give myself a 16%.  And that's not even me being my usual "hard on myself/holding myself to high expectations" self!  That's the cold, hard truth.  Matt even has no comment.

5. Make new recipes out of ward cookbook
This totally should've been easy, and yummy....but I kinda forgot about it for the majority of the year, AND I had a heck of a time finding coconut pudding mix! (pina colada dip)
Report:  Buffalo Dip - check!
Famous Dip - check!
Pina Colada Fruit Dip - not until just last week, so it was already 2014....and since this was a 2013 goal, I was 66%.  (But, Matt would tell me to "count" it, of course!)  ;)

Final Verdict?  According to me:  I flopped!  According to Matt:  I achieved!
So, now that I've analyzed it all and "talked through" the rulings some, MAYBE I CAN do something for 2014.....

It is with great reluctance, I present to you my goals for the new year:
 
I saw THIS on Pinterest which I'm interested in, so here goes:

5 BOOKS I WANT TO READ:
(Let's go with the ones that are on my shelf right now)
She Got Up Off the Couch (a sequel to the one I was reading back here)
Reached
Fairy Godmothers, Inc.
The Book of Mormon (before our "Moroni's Quest" Youth Conference in June)
My Story (Elizabeth Smart)

4 PLACES I WANT TO SEE:
Nauvoo, IL
Cape Canaveral, FL (specifically the Ron Jon Cape Caribe Resort)
the different islands in Hawaii (via cruise?)
Disneyland

3 THINGS I WANT TO DO:
Be in the family cast of the Nauvoo Pageant
Finish Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons with Brookelle
Fill those empty spaces in our home with furniture & finally hanging things on the walls.

2 THINGS I WANT TO LEARN:
Gluten-Free baking/cooking
How to do a photo slideshow with music

1 THING I WANT TO CHANGE:
Give more compliments/encouragement to others.


There was also THIS ONE on Pinterest that I thought I'd do.  (some things are the same as above)

A BAD HABIT I'M GOING TO BREAK:  Staying up late (when I don't HAVE to because of work)...just to do [sometimes frivolous] things like surfing the internet, late-night T.V., and "getting one more thing done."  {Don't look at the time stamp of this post!} ;)

A NEW SKILL I'D LIKE TO LEARN:  See questionnaire above

A PERSON I'D LIKE TO BE MORE LIKE:  Jesus Christ - particularly His attributes of being calm, non-judgmental, & patient.  (Did I just describe Matt?  I believe I did!  Opposites attract?!?)

A GOOD DEED I'M GOING TO DO:  Keeping this one to myself....I want it to be anonymous!  ;)

A PLACE I'D LIKE TO VISIT:  See questionnaire above

A BOOK I'D LIKE TO READ:  See questionnaire above

A LETTER I'M GOING TO WRITE:  Maybe my OWN MISSIONARY SON? (possibly at the end of the year?)  If not, my Young Women at church or my children's Primary teachers - ANY or ALL.

A NEW FOOD I'D LIKE TO TRY:  Korean or Indian - our neighbors said they know some good places to take us!

I'M GOING TO DO BETTER AT:  Exercising in the winter.  My friend has recommended Bikini Body Mommy.  Apparently, it has a work out every day - and it started on Jan. 6th.....and I am going to start sometime....anytime now!  ;)

I shall look back on this post next year and either be really proud of myself....or extremely disappointed...

WHAT 2014 GOALS DO YOU HAVE?

42

Ryan was offered EXTRA CREDIT in his U.S. History class at school if he went and saw the movie, "42" and then wrote an essay on it.

I wanted to see the movie, too, after listening to a movie critic on a T.V. show (that critic proclaimed that it was Harrison Ford's BEST ACTING in a movie EVER!  Better than all his Star Wars movies.  Better than all his Indiana Jones' movies.  Better than Witness.  My interest was PIQUED, to say the least!)

It just so happened to be Ryan's month for a "date" with Mom & Dad, so off we went to the movie theater.

I was really shocked... and disgusted... and ashamed to see the way that Blacks were treated in the "white's only" days of segregation.  It made me sad, but I was proud of the wife of Jackie Robinson, Rachel.  She was a great lady!  She was such a wonderful support and shining beacon in his life even under all the pressure they both lived.  ("I want you to know I'm there for you." ) Her behavior, as a wife, was an example to me.  (Plus, she is gorgeous!)

My favorite lines from the movie that have left me really thinking:


(A manager from another team, Herb Pennock [Mark Harelik] calls the Dodgers' manager, Branch Rickey [Harrison Ford] before a game...)
Herb Pennock:  "I'm afraid we're not going to be able to take the field against your team if THAT BOY'S in uniform.
Branch Rickey:  "Why's that, Herb?...His name is Jackie Robinson, by the way."
Herb:  "Yeah, Branch, I understand he's got a name, but we're just not ready for that sort of thing in Philadelphia."
Branch:  "Well, what you do with your team is your decision, Herb.  My team's going to be in Philadelphia tomorrow - with Robinson - and if we have to claim the game as a forfeit, so be it.  That's 9 to 0, in case you forgot."
Herb:  "You know what, Branch?  You've had a *&^% of a )&%^$&........I'd like to know WHAT IT IS you're trying to prove?"
Branch:  "You think God likes baseball, Herb?"
Herb:  "What's that suppose to mean?"
Branch:  "It means someday you're gonna meet God, and when he inquires as to WHY you didn't take the field against Robinson in Philadelphia and you answer, 'it was because he was a Negro,' it may not be a sufficient reply."

Good point.  How many of our (my) other petty actions/attitudes do we (I) justify, but REALLY our (my) excuses are lacking?

and this one:

(The Dodgers manager is telling Jackie how much he will be harassed, abused, and ridiculed - and how he is not to buckle under the pressure of others' malicious acts and taunting words.....)
Jackie Robinson:  "You want a player who doesn't have the guts to fight back?"
Branch Rickey:  "No. I want a player who's got the guts *not* to fight back." 

I agree.  The NOT fighting back takes MORE guts!  To be the "bigger person" is harder.

It was a very good movie to discuss over dinner at Iggy's afterwards.......and an easy topic (lots of things to discuss) for Ryan to write his essay on.

Go see it. 

Behavior Assessment

It's time for the annual IEP at school for my daughter.  The school psychologist called me and said the last Social History and Behavior Assessment they have on file was done almost 8 years ago, when my daughter was just 3 yrs. old, so she wanted to send home a bazillion forms for me to fill out again in order to "update" her file.  I just got done filling out several Behavior Assessment forms.
I was laughing out loud at some of the phrases it uses to describe how children may act.
(I was supposed to respond with "Never," "Sometimes," Often," or "Almost always")  
Eats things that are not food
Fiddles with things while at meals
Breaks the rules just to see what will happen
Sets fires
Argues when denied own way  (don't all children?  Don't they?  You DO KNOW what I'm talking about, right?!?  Hello?  Anybody there?)
Volunteers to help clean up around the house  (BAA HAA HAA hahaha!  You understand WHY I am laughing on this one, too, right?  Yoo Hoo!  Where did everybody go?!?)
Sleeps with parents
Vomits - could this be due to eating things that are not food?


Then I started to wonder......

What if the tables were turned?  

What if some psychologist asked one [or all] of my children to fill out this form ABOUT ME?

I'm afraid I would not "pass" the test.  They would rate me with the "Almost Always" on many of them.

For example:

Eats too much

Is easily annoyed by others - especially children who act like wild animals, swinging from the chandelier while choking another sibling, calling names, throwing balls & consequently breaking something, and spilling beverages all within a 5 min. time frame.

Does strange things

Is unable to slow down - especially when we were suppose to be out the door 10 min. ago and there's still 7 unfound "neccesary" items to get....and girls' hair to be brushed.

Babbles to self

Will change direction to avoid having to greet someone - especially when a "long winded" person is spotted and we are suppose to be somewhere else [across town] in 15 min. and we still have to stand in the check out line.

Acts confused

Avoids competing with other children - especially in games of Chess & Super Mario.

Acts out of control

Repeats one thought over & over - like, "Get in the car, we're going."  "Get in the car, we're going."  "Get in the car!"

Speaks in short phrases that are hard to understand - like, "Get in the car, we're going."  "Get in the car, we're going."  "Get in the car!"

Is unclear when presenting ideas - like, "Get in the car, we're going."  "Get in the car, we're going."  "Get in the car!"

Says, "Nobody understands me"  (as a result of above 3???)

Annoys others on purpose - like turning off the T.V. when NO Saturday jobs have been done.....because that has been the rule for the last 45 years!

Seems out of touch with reality - like not letting children watch T.V. when they've done NOTHING to contribute to the family/home yet that day!  Geez!

Is overly active - like cleaning up the kitchen RIGHT after dinner while everyone else's main goal is to just go "hide" in the basement and/or lay on the couch....and repeatedly trying to convince others to be likewise "active" at this time for some reason.

Acts as if other children are not there - especially when we interrupt her when she is on talking on the phone.

Sneaks around - especially when she attempts to go use the bathroom.

Has trouble fastening buttons on clothing - especially after a 10+ lb. gain!

Hears sounds that are not there - like big, loud crashing noises.  When she calls out, "What was THAT?!" we always are telling her, "NOTHING!"

Stares blankly - especially following a less-than-5-hrs.-of-sleep night(s), or when her children say things like, "We shouldn't have to do any chores."

Says things that make no sense - like, "We are a family.  That means EACH person is a helpful, contributing member of our family."

Sees things that are not there - like "messes" on the stairs, couches, in the mudroom and our bedrooms.

Falls down - it has NOTHING to do with the junk left on the stairs or floor....just her own clumsiness!

Runs away from home - at least she fantasizes about it sometimes!

Acts strangely

Yep, that'd be a dangerous thing for them to fill out the assessment - I'm pretty sure my children would "throw me under the bus" and I'd definitely be referred to psychiatric treatment based on my "behaviors."  :)

Breaking my Silence

Mother's Day has come and gone two previous times ('09 and '10) since I've had my blog and, though I've had many feelings & words that I could've shared and written, I did not. Every year, I thought about writing a "Mother's Day" post - I wanted to - but wasn't able to bring myself to do it. So far, I've always told myself, maybe next year. If this was my private journal, I'd have no problem writing it, but since others read it, this was one area I felt like I'd have to "edit" my true thoughts since it would surely bring judgement, disapproval, and loss-of-brownie-points (so to speak) from my readers.

Well, No more! THIS year is the year.

I've decided, IT'S MY BLOG AND I CAN CRY IF I WANT TO.....

**Stop reading now if you only like full of Malarkey beautiful, flowery, "THE BEST", favorable, uplifting accounts/opinions of Mother's Day. There are other blogs out there like that ~ which adds to my GUILT. (You've been warned.)**

The Reason? I despise Mother's Day.

There. I said it. It's the truth.

I guess I could end my post there, that about sums it up, but I'm NOT a gal of few words! :)

I LAUGH that it's even considered a "HOLIDAY." I KNOW that Motherhood is a thankless job, but I'm bugged that we PRETEND to "celebrate" Mothers when, instead, it makes us feel worse. Let's. just. don't.

Each year, I start to get anxious about it the week of Mother's Day. The dread starts to set in. And on Saturday (the day before Mother's Day), I can see a definite mood change in me. It shifts to the LOUSY end of the spectrum.

Mother's Day comes and I FEEL: Angry, Depressed, Guilty, Disappointed, Unacceptable, Discouraged, Inadequate, Under appreciated, a "lowlife", Unpleasant, Lacking, Self-Loathing.....a failure.
(And what's to LIKE about all of THAT?!?)

It used to start by me watching Talk Shows, Documentaries, or News Programs on T.V. the week leading up to Mother's Day, that would highlight certain mothers. People in America (family & friends) were "nominating" mothers who they believed were WONDERFUL and then these programs were telling her story, broadcasting a Tribute to the "winning" mothers. Well, of course, I was never featured on one of these shows (surprise, surprise) but it was obvious why -- I wasn't anything like those WONDERFUL mothers. There were stories of mothers taking in MANY Foster children or handicapped children into her loving home and giving them a great life. There were stories of mothers who died, and so then the oldest sister became the "Mom" and sacrificed and raised all the younger siblings. There were stories of mothers who literally saved the lives of her children in dramatic [physical, emotional, spiritual] ways. And there were stories of mothers who had "defied all odds" and survived abusive situations/terminal illness/financial destitution and mothered all on her own and raised delightful, successful children. Etc, etc, etc.
Tears would just be running down my face as I watched these shows because, YES, I was touched by those mothers' stories. BUT, at the same time, I knew that I didn't do ANY of those things myself....which blatantly brings to my attention: I am NOT a wonderful mother.
I finally quit watching those shows - it was too much torture for me.

Then there is church. The Sacrament Meeting talks are killers. I do acknowledge the tough job the Bishop has to creating a meeting that doesn't leave anyone out or make them feel bad. It seems in recent years, they have tried to select the speakers carefully (someone who is male or not a mother yet, so it doesn't ruin a woman's day even further by having to speak) but the content of the talk cannot always be controlled.
This one is THE WORST that I hear from the pulpit- it gets to me THE MOST:
My Mother NEVER yelled at her children [insert me slouching down lower in my pew as I think, Oh, I'm really good at it!]
But then there's also these:
My Mother was ALWAYS there for us - she came to every game/concert/recital/School Field Trip I ever had.
My Mother raised $1,500,000 for the American Cancer Society
My Mother taught me how to cook, sew, cut hair, do yoga, farm, change the oil on the car, can, start a business, paint, read by age 3, compose music, invest money, drive a stick shift, build a campfire, and WORK.

And then all the prayers in church are all "We're so thankful for our sweet, dear, kind mothers and women in our life. Please let them know how valuable, special, and priceless they are. Help us to give them the honor and respect they so deserve."
They seem too mushy and phony to me....those were the words I hear, but here's the actions I see: My Brood is still on the pew wiggling around, crying, complaining, kicking me....and then when it's time for the Primary Children to go up and sing to their mothers, I'll have one who will REFUSE to go up, or if they do go up, they stand up there without singing, sometimes hiding behind someone taller, or just laughing through the whole thing. NICE!
I know of some women who have quit going to church on Mother's Day. Although I always choose to go, I can actually understand their choice.

I also resent how my family spends all Saturday NIGHT (as if it's an afterthought) scrambling trying to get stuff for Mother's Day, which makes it so 1) We can't go out and do anything and 2) They're not able to find everything/anything at the last minute. It's sure a "testament" to how special they feel I am!

On Sunday morning, I'm the first one awake, thanks to my littlest one verbally requesting a diaper change from us. Everyone else is enjoying snoozing in late on Mother's Day. What is wrong with this picture? I ask myself. Even though I am starving, I don't eat because the kids might bring me breakfast in bed. So, I wait....all the while wondering if we're going to be able to get ready for church in time. When the Brood does gather in the kitchen to put their collective efforts together for my Mother's Day breakfast, arguing/crying/tormenting/complaining ensues. And I hear, no less than 10X in the background, their father saying, "SSHHHH....Stop that, don't do that - it's Mother's Day!"

After church, I'm told to go in my room and "relax" - even take a nap and they'll take care of dinner. Only, that's kind of hard considering my door keeps opening by different members of my family (the adult & children alike) asking:
What do you want for dinner?
Where is the salt?
Do we have any lemon extract?
Can I used the limes in the fridge?
Are you going to make the rolls?
What are the measurements for Ranch dressing?
If it says "3 lemons" - does that mean 3 slices of lemon or 3 whole lemons?
How do you bake a baked potato?
What does "boil" mean?
Their preparation, knowledge, & skills make for a very "restful" afternoon for me, let me tell ya!

Everyone in the world TRIES to be all nice & lovey, but I think it feels FAKE.
For Example:
There's the obligatory Mother's Day phone call with my mother, when we hardly ever call each other on any regular day.
There's the Mother's Day "coupons" I get from my children, but when I try to "redeem" one, they are unwilling and resist. (I have dozens of these unused, null & void coupons)
I've witnessed that my husband and his brothers always give their Mom a hug and say "I love you" on Mother's Day, but they do not do that at any other time of the year.

The thing I want most for Mother's Day is for my family to do their jobs, be happy, obedient, & agreeable, don't fight, and to be on time to church ~ at least for that one day.

Is it too much to ask?

Apparently it is.
But, as learned from the talks at church, All that we are, we owe to our mother -- so it's all my fault anyway....and we get a special day devoted to reminding us of just that! Which returns me to my original statement. I despise Mother's Day.

This past Mother's Day, on numerous occasions, my girls declared things like; I can't wait until I'm a Mom! It'll be SOOO fun to be a Mom! Ohhh...Mom's are so lucky!
Their reasons? They can get breakfast in bed, a chocolate/caramel dipped pretzel rod as a gift from the church, and the presents - "just like having another birthday," they naively witnessed.

Ohhh....ignorance is BLISS, eh?!?

There. I did it. I finally put my feelings out there. End of rant.

A Couple of Things still Left Hangin' around Haunting me after the Trip....

Do you ever have a hard time deciding what to do about something.....
So, as a result, you do NOTHING?
For a long time.
Just leave it alone.
Just don't do anything about what you should be doing something about?

OK - so maybe it's just ME with problems?
But, that's been ME the last 10 days since I got home from vacation.
Here's the FIRST THING:

I made an order with one of my favorite places to shop Clearance online, Lands' End, for stuff to go on our cruise. It was great because their summer clothing and swim suits that are technically "off-season" were on clearance and was just perfect for what I could take to Mexico with me! Well, according to their shipping schedule, my package should've been delivered either the Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday before I departed for my cruise on Saturday.

Well......You guessed it! Me and Murphy. It didn't make it! I even saw the UPS guy driving around my neighborhood on that Friday morning and I pleaded out loud, to no one in particular, to let him come to my home! No such luck!

Instead, I packed my plain, old stuff to take and I came home to this package sitting on my rocking chair in my bedroom. And that's where it's remained ever since.

As in remained. Untouched. Unopened. It's contents un-looked at, un-tried on, completely ignored!

Who doesn't open a package when it's delivered? ME!

What was I suppose to do with it now?

I mean, a lot of good it does me now!

Should I just write, "Return to Sender" on the package without ever opening it? Can I even do that?

Should I keep it all anyway for my next cruise in 2 1/2 years? It won't be very neat, then.

Should I just use it this summer! Maybe it won't even fit me this summer.

Why couldn't didn't I even open it?

What does this mean?

1) That I'm in the "denial" stage of the grieving process at the loss of a cute, new wardrobe for my cruise?

2) That I'm thinking it will just mysteriously take care of itself - maybe self-destruct, and it'll be like this never happened? Although, I have some children who could help with the destruct part if I don't move it out a reach, SOON!

3) Am I afraid that maybe the items won't fit me - and that would be depressing!

4) I'm just too tired to take care of it this week?

5) Do I believe that my lack of sleep since returning home will seriously impair my ability to make a wise decision on the matter?

6) Am I trying to figure out if I can use the "return reason" of "Didn't arrive in time" and get all my money back, including shipping. (Always thinking about saving money!)

Well, whatever it was....TODAY, 10 days later, I finally decided to open it!

And I think it swayed my decision to keep most of it....so much for saving money!!

But I'm not sure about the shoes...What d'ya think? It seems like I could only wear them with pants that are a lighter color than them -- or else they will really stand out all dorky-like? And right now, I'm wearing dark pants...

Here's the OTHER THING:

It's my favorite buy from Mexico. I found many stores with all kinds of fun dishes - and for some reason, I'm attracted to dishes. I played the bartering game from shop to shop and got this $25 bowl for $10!

It was wrapped in newspaper, taped, and put in a bag. I packed it in the middle of my suitcase, surrounded by all my [plain, old] clothes, thinking that would offer sufficient "padding." How wrong I was! I mean, come on, I work for an airline! I should KNOW that fragile things should be carried on! (But, I checked all my bags, because I CAN, for free - only carried on my purse.)

So, my broken bowl sits on my kitchen counter. Super glue doesn't work, I already tried it.

I really just ought to throw it away. What good is it now?

But the spoiled-child voice in me is screaming out, "BUT, I WAAANT IT!"

Do I think it's gonna just magically come all back together again one night? After a visit from some elves? Am I deranged enough to think I could "turn back time" (like Cher) and make these two things not happen the way they did?!

No, I don't really think that - I just wish....Which is kind of STUPID since:

a) NOT having my new "cruise clothes" DID NOT end up ruining my cruise - I still had a wonderful time!

b) AND, I'm sure all my blogging buddies out there could probably recommend some place locally that I could buy another great bowl. In the meantime, Matt put it on top of our cupboards as "decoration" so we can retain the "sentimental value" of it.

But, I have a request: if any of you go to Mexico, yourselves, could you bring me one back?! Pretty please?! In your carry-on luggage, of course! :)

Opening my Mind

We made wall clocks at our Super Saturday.

When we were signing up for our projects ahead of time, there was a wall clock on display made by our own "decorating Guru" in our ward. So, of course, it looked fantastic!

It lured me in - and I registered for the class.

We were to provide our own paint color of choice, but I just found out the EXACT color & brand that the "example" had been made with. (Since I figured if it was going to look good, it had to look like that one.)

Much to my dismay, when I went to Robert's Craft Store, that color was no where to be found! So, I got another paint that was as close to a medium beige-ish that I could find (that's how her paint color was described.)

And then I fretted about it, since it wouldn't look just like the "model."

I came to Super Saturday and would not get started right away because I still wasn't sure about the color.

This is so stupid, huh?!?

Well, another lady at my table had brought some pink & green paint with her to try out along with her color in the medium beige-ish family.

And then it hit me...Could I do another color besides medium beige? Could I do COLOR - period? It had never occurred to me before since I was "STUCK" on following the "example."

I LIKE RED. I really am quite fond of it. My mind started turning. Why didn't I ever consider doing any other color? I knew I had some "Barn Red" paint at home, so I went home to fetch it.

It was a pretty bold decision to make a 24" Wall clock in a COLOR other than "medium beige" but I was going for it. And it was kind of exciting!

There was only 1/2 a bottle left, so we barely made it. And this is how it turned out:

{Either my camera - or the photographer - needs help, but I could not get a photo without a glare on the clock!}

At first, mine was the only COLORED clock amongst a sea of beiges & browns. As I was painting it, I was questioning whether or not I should've done it! But, everyone really liked it. Others even said they wished they would've done it. Another gal even decided to do RED because she saw mine! I actually wasn't sure I liked it for a while, but now that it's been in my home for a week - I DO!

It really got me thinking...I was so closed-minded about how to do the project that I didn't even consider any other color besides the one on display until the very last minute. In this case, my "thinking outside the box" turned out to be delightful! How many other times & situations have I not been able to "open my mind" and see multiple possibilities and solutions? What amazing things have I missed out on because I put my creativity to a standstill? Have I been hindered by my "medium beige thinking" that everything has to be done a certain way - that there is no other way?

That reminds me, I had a mission companion from the South and she had all kinds of great sayings (which, of course, I'd never heard of before, and required translation) but one she'd frequently say is.... with her accent,

"Sis-tah, There's more than one way to skin a cat!"

And I found one - and I hope I do it more often.

WOW! I surprised myself!

I was reading a TAG post on my SIL, Mandy's, blog and there was a category where you had to write, "8 Things that happened yesterday." Seriously, my first thought was, "I'm glad I don't have to answer that one - I didn't do anything yesterday! I for sure wouldn't have 8 things to say."

This is where Matt gets the idea that I'm a bit of an "extremist." He thinks I use words like, "Never," "Always," "Nobody," "Nothing," "All," "Every," etc. too freely ~ do y'all notice that about me, too? He "always" tries to tell me that what I say when I use those type of words is really not true "at all."

So, I started to reflect on WHY I responded so "extreme" to that TAG question. Well...it's because yesterday I didn't shower. I put on clean underwear and got dressed, but no shower. I also took a nap. My three oldest kids were at school, Katelyn went to a friend's for 4 1/2 hours, and it was Brookelle's nap time -- I just couldn't pass up this perfect opportunity. How often do my lucky stars align that way?!? So, because of those two incidences, I'd jumped to the conclusion that I didn't accomplish "anything." Well, Matt's right - it wasn't completely true - because upon further examination, this is how yesterday actually all went down...(Humor me, allow me to work this out - it's therapy!)

1. Up at 6:45am
2. Fed the baby, changed the baby, held the baby, put the baby to sleep...REPEAT 5X
3. Drove the Jr. High carpool
4. Read scriptures & had Family Prayer w/ kids (Matt had to go into work early again!)
5. Walked my Elementary School kids to school
6. Went out w/ friends to "Birthday Brunch" for Shawnette
7. Made 15 Freezer Meals for hours
8. Taught Ryan how to call & order Pizza (see #7)
9. Ate Dominos Pizza for dinner ~ ya gotta love "Two for Tuesday!" :)
10. Washed a load of WHITES (or else I wouldn't have clean ones for tomorrow - and wonder if I didn't shower again?)
11. Performed "surgery" on my thumbnail that started ripping way too low
12. Read a bedtime story to Katelyn - Trouble in the Barkers' Class by Tomie DePaola
13. Helped Haylee read a "real" book - Bears in the Night by Stan & Jan Berenstain
14. Instructed Kyle on how to put together a "Pioneer" costume for the 4th grade performance/assembly he was in the next day and where to find all the stuff.
15. Spent time with My Man! (Matt)
16. Went to sleep a little after Midnight

So, it turns out...what I initially thought was "Nothing" was really a whole lot of "Everything!" I hit "all" the important things in my life: Time with each member of my family, spiritual needs, taking care of myself, Friends, and household chores. (notice that one was listed last!)