Facing My Fears

I got in the pool for the first time today.
{Sorry, no photo available...Or maybe I should say, You're Welcome!}

To attempt swimming.

Like REAL swimming.

As in the kind of swimming I don't do - the kind that requires me to be in water deeper than I am tall AND to put my face IN the water. The kind that I'm at risk for drowning while trying!

I don't do it because I am totally afraid of it!

Totally afraid of it because of a traumatic experience I had back in grade school that completely negated ALL those years of swimming lessons my Mom had put me through!

GONE! Gone is everything I ever learned swimming-wise because I suffer from a psychological block in that department.

I alluded to this problem briefly in my "100th Post" last year that featured 100 things about me, but here's what happened in detail:

{Insert the mysterious movie music at this point}

My family was at an event in a big park. It must have been a Company activity or maybe a group of my parents' friends, since I didn't know a lot of the people in attendance. A bunch of us kids there kind of migrated together, wondered off from the adults, started playing and found some things to do.

There was this canal/cement-lined ditch of sorts that we discovered running through the park that had some water flowing down it. As is frequently the case with kids, we were drawn to the water. Water is a "Kid-magnet" I tell you - they just can't leave it alone! It's true now and it was true back then. It all started out casually, just throwing some grass and sticks into the flowing water and watching them float on down the canal. Then the next thing we knew we were dipping our feet in the water. Which turned into us actually standing IN the water. The water was only about up to our ankles, so no biggie. We then started trying to make dams with our hands, then with sticks and stones, then with our bodies, by sitting down in the ditch and putting our legs out straight to the other side. You get the picture, little by little we were getting more & more into the water. Pretty soon we decided it would make a good water slide if you sat down on the slippery [moss-lined] cement bottom and took a ride down the canal. We only rode 50 feet or so and then we'd climb out onto the banks, walk back up to the starting point and do it again. It really was a lot of fun! And the adults had no idea we were doing this. I, myself, did it many times! Some of the other kids started leaving, but a few of us stayed, taking turns down our "water slide."

And then came that final near-fatal run....

I started riding down, as usual, enjoying myself. I'm not sure if, some kids upstream were still making (& releasing) dams or if at that time of day the water naturally started flowing stronger, or what, but it was starting to be a very fast "water slide" ride.

The water swept me away on my usual 50 foot ride at tremendous speed. I attempted to get out at our own specified "finish line" mark, but I couldn't stop! I tried to stand, but I was just pushed down again by the water. The kids on the bank surely saw the look of terror on my face and started yelling, "Get out! Get out!" as they were running along beside me. I looked for something to grab on to - there was nothing - nothing but wimpy grass/weeds that broke off when I grabbed on. I tried one side and then the other - nothing sturdy to reach for on either side of the bank. And I just kept cruising down the canal. The fear. OH, the fear! The reason we had gotten out at that 50 foot mark in the first place, was because this canal emptied into an underground water reservoir of some sort. The running water from the canal dropped off, maybe 3 feet, into an area that had cement walls on all sides AND a cement ceiling - so it was kind of like a cement room. A cement room that anyone who kept going down, and didn't get out, would be whisked into only to become a prisoner until death! I could only imagine what happened to the water once it got in there...went down a scary, dark, gross, drain infested with rats/snakes/deadly spiders/poisonous creatures?!? A drain that would suck a young person, like myself, towards and prevent me from staying above the surface until a rescuer came. But, how would a rescuer even be able to get in & out of this underground "cement room?" And then there was the possibility of the water rising so much that there would be no air space between the top of the water and the cement ceiling. So, even if a person could tread water for that long, and avoided the high suctioned drain, there was NO WAY for them to keep their head above water. So, pretty much, if a person got in there....there was NO surviving it! Drowning was inevitable!! And here I was approaching my final DOOM! Coming speedily right into the mouth of my killer. The fear. OH, the fear!

I tried to escape, I just couldn't. I made one futile attempt after another to get out - the water was just stronger than I.

I saw the trees lining the banks just zooming on by. As total desperateness took over, it all became a blur, the kids yelling to me, the other kids running, the scenery flashing by.

Can you say, "Heart Racing?"

I remember thinking, This is it. This is my last moment on earth. So, this is how I will die. I am going to drown!

In a last ditch effort, I reached over with both of my hands to one side and dug my fingers into the muddy bank. I can still see in my mind's eye the trail of lines in the mud that my fingers made as the water continued to push me down that blasted "water slide." I was running out of ideas. I was running out of time! But, if I was taught anything in my youth, I was taught this: I. WILL. NOT. GIVE. UP!

I tried to dig deeper into the mud, it felt like the tips of my fingers were rubbing raw, but even that resistance was unable to stop me, but....

...but, it was able to slow my speed just a bit....

...just enough for the kids running along side me to catch up to me, keep up with my "pace" and to reach out their hands to me...

I didn't know if letting off my "finger brakes" in the mud would send me rushing down the canal too fast again. Should I reach up and take one of their hands?

What did I have to lose? I was currently on the Fast Track to my demise.

I compromised. I took one hand out of the mud and left one in. I did start going faster again which made it difficult for the kids' hand and my hand to connect.

I had almost reached the underground cement room.

Someone grabbed my hand. I was dragging them with me. More blur...kids yelling, hands reaching, pulling, [short] life flashing before my eyes.

Amongst the commotion, I did hear one of them say, "Give me both your hands!"

I was SOOOO close to the underground drop off. I took a leap of faith and let go of the mud with my other hand, reached up, and with a collective effort of all those kids, they somehow pulled me out - JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME!

I layed on the bank of the canal for a while - totally spent!

Eventually, we walked back to the oblivious adults and told them what happened.
And then we went home.

{End dramatic movie music here}


And I have never been able to swim since!

Because my mom was sick of hearing me say I couldn't swim, she made me take swimming lessons again before I was allowed to get my Driver's License. You've heard of some boys being required to get their Eagle Scout Award before they can get their Driver's License - that's what my brothers had to do....Me? I had to take swimming lessons. (Not sure if any of my sisters ever had to do anything to earn that prize?) So, there's 16 yr. old me in a class with all these other kids no older than 8! Let's just add trauma on top of trauma, why don't we? I'll just say no progress was made in breaking my psychological block!

So, here we are today, 30 years after the near-drowning experience that ended my swimming career and I'm training for a Triathlon.

As in RUN. BIKE. SWIM.

Which requires me to SWIM!

And did I mention, I can't swim?

Every time I think about it, I almost cry! Seriously.

But, here's my mantra, "I Can Do Hard Things."

It's time to face my 30-Year Old FEAR! In fact, let's just get rid of it.

I don't give my kids a pass from doing hard things. All the time they're faced with things they've never done before. Things they're not comfortable with. Things they have to work for. Things they're not particularly good at. And it's good for them to see me doing it too.
I was always bugged by all those moms who wouldn't ever do anything with us kids. Wouldn't get in the pool. Wouldn't ride the wave runner. Wouldn't go on any hikes. Wouldn't play tennis. Wouldn't run races. Wouldn't water ski. (Ironically, I got to be a pretty good water skier back in the day, BUT you do that with a LIFE JACKET! Do you think they would allow those in the Triathlon?) Anyway, you get the picture....I didn't want to be one of those moms who quit doing anything non-Mom-ish when they became a Mom.
It's not like I've never done anything hard. I do. A lot, actually.
It's just that THIS is the Grand Daddy of all hard things [for me.] (And then none of my kids would ever have any excuse ever again!)

OR you could just blame it on that BIG Birthday I have coming up this year - a "midlife crisis" of sorts. I've gotta prove I'm NOT old, ya know! ;) 10 years ago, on that BIG Birthday (which now seems totally young to me!) I ran a marathon to prove I wasn't old. But, this time, I dare say will be even harder, even MORE of a challenge. And don't get me wrong, the marathon [& training] was very hard, but it had been a long time goal of mine, I had visualized myself doing it one day - it was not something that I had ever deemed, "impossible" like I have swimming!

Have I told you lately that I don't [can't] swim?

Last year I got myself a swimmer and did the Triathlon as a Relay.
This year, I'm doing it all on my own!

Gulp!

So, now I have a date with the pool 4X a week for the next 10 weeks. This morning when I got up and remembered that today was the day I was going to the pool, I about cried.

But, I went anyway. And took my time keeper, Katelyn (and for moral support!) The water felt surprisingly warm! A nice welcome. And on the positive side, half the length of the pool was in a depth I could touch the bottom.

I started with a "side stroke." Pretty much a doggie paddle on my side - no face-in-the-water required. Down & back. Two minutes down, just 10 more to go! I did it, but my heart was a-pumpin'! Only thing is, that stroke is not really what people do in Triathlons. But, it's about baby steps, right?!?

Next, I did the back stroke. Also, a no-face-in-the-water required choice. Also, not a typical Triathlon stroke. But, my heart was sure getting a workout! Was it from the strenuous exercise OR was I having a physical reaction to my psychological problem? Or worse, a heart attack?

And then my friend arrived. I figured it was time for the real thing - the front crawl. I told her I was expecting her to save me, if neccessary. I watched the others around me. Arm, arm, breathe. Right, left, breathe. Reach, reach, breathe. OK...deep breath...Go! I pushed off from the wall and started....and ran into the lane rope...and corrected myself...and ran into the lane rope again...and corrected myself... Once I made it to the other end, my friend informed me it might be easier if I swam with my eyes OPEN! Oh.....well, then I would be aware of what I was doing and where I was, and I'm not so sure I was OK with that! :)

In the end, I did a total of 3 laps of front crawl - well, my version of it, I don't know if you'd call it that. I do know that there was a whole lotta of sputtering going on...sorry to whoever used the pool after I did - what they don't know, won't hurt them, right? So, just picture that person in the pool, splashin' around, with their hair all in their face & eyes, gasping for air...and that was ME today! By no means was it pretty, BUT, I'm here to tell about it - I didn't drown!

Why does HE make it look so easy?

Him.

Me.

Him.

Me.

What's wrong with this picture?

Man, my heart still is sore! I have a feeling it wasn't just from the cardio, it was the psychological and emotional exertion as well.

And I'm going back again tomorrow! (I just gotta figure out how to hold my hair back better.)

The Birth of The Junk Box

I'd like to say it was my original idea, but it's not.

Several weeks ago, my cousin blogged about "The Junk Box" she always received every birthday growing up.

If you don't wanna click on the link and read about it (although you should, since she is delightful) I'll give you the Cliff Notes for it. Basically, it's a box full of YOUR favorite things to eat, customized to YOU, meant for YOU, and YOU only! (i.e. Sharing is completely optional!)

I read it and thought, What a great idea!

This would go over so well in my family!

They would LOVE it!

This would be the highlight of the gifts.

But, I didn't just think all of that - I resolved to do something about it! I made an executive decision to make this a birthday tradition in my family -- effective immediately!

Because if you know me, you know that treats SPEAK TO ME! To my very heart and soul! And it must be genetic, since my children also have inherited this trait.

In fact, the "Treat Thief" breaks into our pantry/storage room/cupboards in very high frequencies!!

And it just so happened that the next birthday in my family was my baby's.

Is there anything I could put in a 2 yr. old birthday girl's junk box? I wondered.

But, then I started brainstorming, making a list, and came up with plenty.

And, boy, was it a hit!
I'm not sure who liked it more....
Miss B.
or the other kids.

But, I do know we had some, "Why did you start with Brookelle?" complaints going on!

Also, the "How much longer until my birthday?" questions suddenly increased.

And the, "I sure hope I get ___________ in my junk box!" hints were casually thrown around.
And then there was just some general day dreaming/fantasizing about what their own birthday future would hold going on.
It's the gift that keeps on giving...6 days after her birthday, she still has something to show for it! It's still around, meeting her every "munchies" need.

The Junk Box is a keeper! :)

Actual contents:
Cheetos
Goldfish
Dum-Dum suckers
Swedish fish
Juice boxes
Crackers
Granola bars
Licorice - nibs & Pull-n-Peel
Apple
Smarties
Fruit snacks
Vanilla creme-filled sandwich cookies (not as messy)
Apple sauce

She Must Almost be 2

When I call her name....

....she runs the other way - giggling!

When I'm not looking, she finds thing to do....

....to my bathroom door.

....to her wall.

....to her sister's doll.

....to our storybooks.

When I want to take her picture...

....she's less than agreeable....

....because she knows I'll see this!


Happy "Terrible Twos" to US!!!

Tomorrow's the BIG DAY!

The Many Faces of Katelyn

Sometimes when you download all your pictures off your camera and onto your computer, you find some "extras" that you weren't even aware of.
And the mysterious thing is....I KNOW I didn't take them....but according to "The Brood," none of them took them either.
HHhhmmmm....IT'S TRUE! We DO have our even number of six children, after all! "NOT ME" is his/her name.
While "Not Me" photographed, Katelyn was really "expressive" in front of the camera!

Is this "elation?"

"Puppy Dog"ish

"Grit and Bear It"

"Bewitched" (Who remembers that show? Probably not the ones who didn't know this song I mentioned - or these. Classic! I always tried to do the magic mouth movement like Samantha, but couldn't - without the same results, obviously, too.)

"Provoked" (What did "Not Me" do to her?)

"Doped"

"Stupified"

"Sneering"

"Adorable"

*Did any of you notice some "clues" about the REAL photographer? Her outstretched arms, perhaps?

The Answer is Yes - in Case You're Wondering

I found this slipped under my office door....

Based on the "crud" that was beginning to stick to the sticky part of this Post-It note, it may have been slipped under there a LOONNNG time ago and I've just never noticed it (my "office" doubles triples quadruples as the toy room, weight room, and clothes storage room) so, there's a lot that could distract from the small piece of paper.

I hope it hasn't caused her too much anxiety with my delay in getting it back to her.

But, I also wondered WHAT caused her to write the note in the first place? Was she really questioning my love for her? (Uh, Oh, I better surprise her at school one day and check her out for lunch) OR are those the only words she knows how to spell on her own?

But, it reminds me of the notes we'd pass to boys [and vice verse] in Elementary School:

"Do you like me? Check Yes or No" complete with a box for the receiver of the note to check. I always wished I'd get one of those notes from Jared V. or Jeff K. or Eric W. (but I don't think I ever did! :( )

Which of course, reminds me of a Country song by George Strait.

Do I sound like the pig from If you Give a Pig a Pancake book?

The Parents' Turn

I have to admit, I was one of those people who would hear of couples going to Disneyland for their honeymoon, and I would mock!

I've been at Disneyland and seen the couples wearing those Bride & Groom mouse ears, and I would snicker and think, "WHY?"

But, after taking each child to Disneyland last year (4X) on their birthdays and letting them dictate how exactly we'd spend the day, I started to form a list of my own of things I would want to do if I had any say in the matter. (which I've never had since the kids have always been with me)

So, when a friend of mine was going to Disneyland with her family the first part of May for four days with a 5-Day Hopper pass, I got an idea....
An awful idea.
The Grinch got a wonderful, awful idea!

Since I can fly there for free on JetBlue anyway...how about I buy the unused day off of her (for a great price in comparison to full retail) and Matt & I go [within 13 days after their first use] all alone to Disneyland and do all the things I've always wanted to do, but that have always been vetoed by my children?!?

So, that's exactly what we did last weekend.
Another friend of mine (who shall remain nameless since I got in trouble by mentioning her name on my blog before) said to me, "I just couldn't go to Disneyland without the kids! It just doesn't seem like it'd be fun. What would you do?"


Well, let me tell you.

I finally got to see "Aladdin" the Musical. I have tried to get my children to go to this, but they have always refused!
And it's really too bad, because now that I've seen it, I really think they would've totally enjoyed it! It was so good! But, Oh well, their loss - it closes August 15th, so they probably missed their chance forever! :(


Also, as a special event, the Food & Wine Festival was going on at Disney's California Adventure.
I thought, "Great! Here's an opportunity for my husband to learn how to cook!" :) So, we attended a "Culinary Demonstration." The visiting Chef was Stuart O'Keeffe from Private Chefs of Beverly Hills. That may mean something to some of you, but since we have no cable T.V. channels, I've never heard of him, or seen him until that day.

But, he made a great recipe, Beef and Guinness Short ribs, that we all got to eat afterwards. YUMMMM! I totally want to make them....but, there's the problem of buying the Guinness. Any suggestions? Because you know, with my luck, that will be the only time in my whole life that I run into my Bishop at the grocery store. Or is Guinness even sold in regular stores? Do you have to go to a liquor store for it? If so, then I know just who to ask the favor of....Oh, Kristen.... :)

Then there's California Screamin' that we went on since only ONE of my children (so far?) will go on this one!

{The cheapskate Guide to Disney Photos: Take a picture of the viewing monitors at the end of the ride!}

Then there was the matter of FOOD. I do not like hot dogs, [amusement park] pizza, and chili. I do not like them, Suz I am. Not in Toontown, not in Critter Country, not in Tomorrowland, I do not like them!

So, we went to a restaurant - with table service - which meant real food!

Real, GOOD food. Can you say Monte Cristo sandwich? We gotta learn how to make 'em like this.....or maybe not, they're no short of 5,000 calories, I'm sure! But, YUMMMM!

In all my times at Disneyland, I've never ridden (I should use that word loosely since it's not exactly a "ride") Davy Crockett's Explorer Canoes. Mostly because they only operate select seasons and also because that'd be a joke for all my kids to try to row a canoe. Talk about looking like a drunk caterpillar! Then there's always been the baby issue. Babies and canoes don't really go together. So, we took advantage of it - and we laughed so hard - we rowed hard, too, although I think our guide would beg to differ! He was hilarious!

We also went to "Captain EO" the 3D attraction which has returned to D-land (with Michael Jackson - how special!) For some reason our kids are terrified of 3D experiences and wearing the glasses, so this has always been nixed by them, as well.

All last year, we saw the long, LONG, LOONNG lines at the new ride, "Toy Story Midway Mania!" so we never wanted to stand in it with the kids, but when they're not a factor - what the HEY! Actually, we went on it right before closing time and had a very *short* 25 min. wait. But the ride itself we found to be very enjoyable! :)

And to top off our day, we attended the 80z All Stars concert.

Which put Matt right IN HIS ELEMENT! :)

I was really amazed at the "demographics" of the crowd. There were a few TRUE "Children of the 80's" like ourselves, but there was a lot of teenagers! And they were eatin' it up! Totally lovin' it. But, what do I expect, the 80's did produce the best music of all time. REAL music that you can actually dance to. Just don't listen to some of the lyrics - if you can figure them out, that is!

So, we rocked out to:

Whip It

Footloose

Come on, Ilene

We Will Rock You

Hit Me with Your Best Shot

Pour Some Sugar on Me

I Love Rock n' Roll

(to name a few)

{Did I lose you young 'uns again in this post with the mention of these songs, too?}

We did some other things, too (not pictured)

My favorite ride, of course - Soarin' Over California

Some of Matt's favorites: Pirates of the Caribbean & Big Thunder Mountain Railroad

And for the first time, we got to ride the Matterhorn TOGETHER! (It was pretty snug in that bobsled!)

Enjoyed the perfect, sunny-with-just-the-right amount-of-breeze weather.

And, I did some shopping.

And got Dole Whip.

Viewed the fireworks from our private spot on Paradise Pier.

And watched the Prom couples come parading through. You should've seen some of those girls' dresses slivers of fabric they were wearing! I was seriously concerned for their moral well-being that night!!! But, that's another subject for another post.

Anyway, here I am, now an ADVOCATE of the "couples only" Disneyland vacation. I still probably wouldn't recommend it for a Honeymoon since, well, you know....

But, we came back HAPPY from The Happiest Place on Earth! :) And you can, too - so try it - you'll like it!

Something to Aspire To

Friday my boys had their Spring Piano Recital.
It's always been held at the library, which our piano teacher schedules and reserves before lessons even start at Back to School time, so, at least 9 months in advance.
We arrive at the library on Friday, and a lot of our students & families are standing around out in the foyer, some are looking into the recital room.
I wondered why no one was going in.
I soon found out.
The library had double-booked their room.
Now, I don't know how or who decides which booking of the double-booking gets to stay, but it was not us!
The word out in the foyer was that we were going to move it to Mrs. Green's house, a lady who was there to attend our recital, and had volunteered. I didn't know her, I'd never met her before this day, but I will not soon forget her.
Now, to volunteer such a thing - that was oh, so generous. And helpful. And thoughtful. And very Save-the-Day-ish, but my first thought was,

Who can do that?

Who can have 50+ people just come to their house with absolutely NO notice and host a piano recital?
Is she always ready for that sort of thing at any given moment? Or did we just catch her at a good time? Really, who can do that?

NOT ME!

And it wasn't just her piano room that looked nice and prepared. Her front yard was FINE, that we all walked by. Her kitchen was clean and counters cleared that the much-anticipated (at least by my kids) Post-Recital refreshments, Dick's Bakery doughnuts, were set out on. And the "over-flow" Family Room was in order and able to house attendees. Not to mention, she produced much seating for everyone in a short period of time, just using her own resources. Sometimes, I might have ONE area in my home that is presentable, but all of it?
A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.
I was so impressed with her.
And at the same time I was in horror at any such occasions of me being forced to do the same thing. Not that I can think of a situation where I'd have to do that against my will, but if I did...OH, I shudder at the very thought!

But, ONE DAY (in another life) I would like to be able to be like HER!

And the fine examples don't stop with just Mrs. Green.
Take our dear piano teacher, Janene Mann, for another illustration. I have known her for the last 9 years we have lived in Farmington. I have looked up to her for various reasons over the years, but I don't think I will ever forget her on this piano recital day.
She walked around with the same bounce in her step as always.
The same smile on her face that is a part of her.
I heard no arguing between her and the "other double-bookee."
I did not see her at the circulation desk at the library chewing someone out.
She stood in front of our group at the new venue and welcomed us warmly just the same as she's done at all previous recitals we've experienced with her over the last 5 1/2 years.
She was very gracious to Mrs. Green.
I did not see her sitting in the corner with a scowl on her face, arms folded across her chest, grunting, with smoke coming out of her ears.
She thought of ME and MY FAMILY as she invited us to "make sure and get some doughnuts before you leave" even though we had to go early.
She sent us (& all her students' family) an email the next day thanking us for being flexible, calling it "an adventure" and pouring out words of compliments about the performances and the recital. All positive messages.
And again my thought was,

Who can do that?

Who can stay calm, cool, and collected when a HUGE thing goes awry? And especially when you've been WRONGED? Who can NOT worry about, "Where's the justice?" No anger? No frustration? No resentment? No bad-mouthing? Not provoked? No letting-it-ruin-your-whole-day-ness? Only Charity. Really, Who can do that?

NOT ME!

I.N.C.R.E.D.I.B.L.E.

It touched me strongly.

And at the same time, I am frightened to think how I would act in the same situation. Not that I am ever planning on becoming a piano teacher, but if I did....Oh, just get out of the way - it would not be pretty! (much to my mortification)

ONE DAY (hopefully in this life) I would like to be able to be like HER!

Adventures in Sleep Studies: Part B

After I "failed" my at-home sleep test, I was referred to The Sleep Institute of Utah for a Sleep Study.

Immediately, I had images of laying on a cold, metal operating-like table, not even wide enough to accommodate rolling over for the study. Additionally, I pictured the bed table to be in the middle of an equally cold-in-appearance room complete with cinder block walls, hospital tile, and observation windows all around. Are you able to imagine what I was thinking?

How's a girl to sleep in that kind of environment?

They also told me to arrive at 10:00 PM (no problem) and that they'd be waking me up around 5:00 AM the next morning. Now THAT was a problem! I know many people get up that early all the time, but not me! I like to avoid ever doing that. For me, knowing I'd be woken up that early just started the anxiety and dread of a bad night's sleep a week before I ever arrived for my appointment!

Could I get out of it?

A couple of days before the appointment, they emailed me the details (and the 10+ page forms to fill out) of what to expect the night of my study. I guess I was clueless to the ins and outs of sleep studies because I was shocked (and bothered) to find out that I would have 20 different electrodes attached to different places on my body! TWENTY! Not three, not ten, but twenty. Like 2-0.

• 4 onto my head
• 1 behind each ear
• 1 on my forehead
• 1 by each eye
• 2 on either side of my chin
• 2 on my upper body/torso
• 2 on each shin of my leg
• 1 under my nose
• 2 respiratory belts, 1 around my chest and 1 around my abdomen
• 1 on my finger, the oximeter that I already had at home - and failed that test, which put me in this predicament anyway!

Aaaauugh!

Again, I say, How's a girl suppose to sleep with all that garb on?

The pamphlet responded this way, "Surprising, most people sleep fairly well in the sleep lab. The sensors are attached in such a manner allowing you to turn and move during sleep. Generally, you will not be aware of the wires during most of the night."
Yeah, right. Bull Crap. Whatever. Blah, Blah, that is the biggest lie I ever heard!

Notice their use of the words of "most," "fairly," and "generally" to cover their butts?

And by the way, generally speaking, I'm fairly sure I am NOT most people!

The anxiety builds some more a couple of days before I ever arrived for my appointment! I wasn't thinking, WHAT IF I don't sleep well in the lab? I was thinking, There's NO WAY I'm going to sleep AT ALL in the lab!

They call me the day before the study to confirm - apparently they find this necessary - I'm assuming it's because others have had thoughts of trying to get out of it like myself - or just "No Show" altogether! (That was sounding like a pretty good idea about then!)

The gal on the phone did clear up my misconceptions about the operating-table-as-a-bed issue I had. She assured me that it is like a REAL bedroom, with a REAL bed, my own bathroom, a T.V., pillows (plural), and carpet. (and a nightstand covered with machines is all!) She was talking in the sweet, you'll-be-just-fine tone of voice, reciting all the "perks" of my future bedroom - even bragging it was nicer than her own at home. She thought she'd had me "sold" (and she kind of did) when she tried to wrap up the call by asking, "Do you have any other questions?"

Of course I did.

I asked her if I was going to be watched.

She paused.

Uh Oh.

She told me that no one would be IN my room watching me, but there was a camera in the room that fed the live footage into monitors out in the office that the technician would be able to see. She tried to gloss it over by saying that I'm not being watched that much - only if my readings got all wacky would they look at the monitor...blah, blah blah...but I'd stopped listening by then. I was now worried about changing into my jammies as to NOT be caught on camera and which ones I should wear, for that matter! (The information packet did instruct me to wear modest ones, however...) ;)

For some strange reason, I couldn't get the 80's song, "I Always Feel like Somebody's Watchin' Me" out of my head the rest of the day!

{You're all singing that song now, aren't you?}

{Except for you young pups who had yet to even be conceived in the 80's.}

My anxiety increases again the day before I ever arrived for my appointment.

One thing, other than not sleeping, that I was worried about was the bra situation. To wear or not to wear? I usually don't when I go to bed. In fact, it's the best part of my day, taking that harness bra off! :) But, it's NOT a pretty sight...and I was going to be watched, remember, not to mention have 20 electrodes attached all over my body by someone else!

What to do, what to do?

I finally decided to wear this [fuchsia] "sports bra" that I have. I use that "sports" term lightly since this particular bra would NEVER withstand me jogging in it, so not a whole lotta substance [READ: bridling power] but it was something and I thought it seemed somewhat inconspicuous (except for the color, I guess) and was more comfy than a REAL bra, as to not interfere with my sleep. HA! As if anything could help me there.

I went with some long sleeve, long pant, total coverage jammies and changed in the bathroom - with the door closed. I considered going into the shower with that door shut, too, but hoped that there were no hidden cameras in the bathroom - that would just be sick and wrong, right? Later, while the technician was applying electrodes to my body, she had to thread a wire down my top to attach to my side, on my bare skin...and she ran into the "bra barrier."

She asked in a strange tone, "Do you sleep in a bra?"

To which I pretty much fibbed, "It's a 'sleep bra.'"

The T.V. was bigger than any of the ones in my home (which isn't saying much) and was a flat screen mounted to the wall - only problem was....they didn't get any T.V. channels in their building! Nice! That makes total sense! But they had DVDs. They put on the movie, Liar, Liar, which I hadn't seen in a long time, so it was a good one to watch, appropriately so because we were already lying to each other.

We were all done with the "hook ups" by 11:00 PM.

Now what was I suppose to do?

Sleep? Well, ppfff! That wasn't going to happen. Even at home, under normal circumstance (is there such a thing as "normal?") I don't go to bed at 11:00.

Remember those anxiety levels? You guessed it - rising! How am I going to fall asleep so early? How am I going to fall asleep at all?

So, they said I could watch the rest of Liar, Liar. I felt like a child being told when I had to go to bed. OK, if I let you stay up and watch the rest of this movie, then you need to promise to go to bed, OK?

Usually, at home, during these "quiet hours" I'm doing my "stuff" so I felt quite uncomfortable. Since I'd feel guilty doing nothing, I brought my check book and budget notebook to do in bed. Because what can put you at ease better than coming face to face with your financial state? :) I'm very logical like that! It's quite difficult to write with wires and foreign objects attached to your hand, ya know that?! That bought me some time until 11:30 PM.

Then came the test to see if everything was working.

I was instructed to:

Open & shut my eyes

Look left, right, left

Open & shut my mouth

Grind my teeth

Say, "ya, ya, ya"

Breathe in, breathe out

Do the "pressing-on-the-gas-pedal" motion with both feet

Breathe with my abdomen, chest, nose, etc.

Do the hokey, pokey and turn myself around

That got me to 11:40PM.

I passed that test - no faulty equipment....

But, that was the only test I would pass that night!

And then I had to go to the bathroom! Oh no! I'm gonna get all tangled up walking over there, I thought. Wonder if the wires fall in the toilet - will I be electrocuted? Could they get in the "line of fire" and I accidentally pee on them? Has anyone else peed on these very wires that are now connected to me? I'm just gonna hold it, that's what I'll do. But, then I'll be up all night having to go to the bathroom. Wonder if I do fall asleep and then have one of those dreams....that I'm sitting on the toilet....peeing....and then wake up to realize I AM peeing the bed!? I wonder if anyone's ever wet the bed during their sleep study? How embarrassing!
That's it, I was going to go to the bathroom. I tried to disconnect my thousand wires to free myself to leave the bed and it must've set off some alarms because before I knew it, the technician was in my room to prevent that crazy lady from going AWAL assist me...And she waited until I was done to connect me back up. I really don't like going to the bathroom when someone is on the other side of the door!

Obviously, I have issues!

Truth be told, I usually fall asleep with the T.V. on in my room every night. Matt will turn it off when he's done watching - or when I wake up in the middle of the night to discover the bright colored there's-no-programs-on-T.V.-right-now lines shining up our room and Matt asleep in the sitting position - whichever comes first.

I know that's an unhealthy habit, so I doubted that the Sleep Institute would allow me this. Plus, I didn't want to admit to them about what was happening in my bedroom. The T.V. part, that is! ;)

But, Liar, Liar ended and they must've sensed my apprehension and they let it stay on - and put in another movie, Two Weeks Notice, but it was "lights out" at midnight.

Those two movies are now going to forever cause me sleep problems, which is unfortunate since I quite enjoy them!

According to the technician, I only made it through the first 10 minutes of the movie, though. See? T.V. will put me right to sleep!

But, I woke up a couple of times later before the movie was over.

And also when she came in the room to turn off the T.V.

And at 1:12. And 1:54. And 2:26. And 2:59. And 3:33. And 4:05. And 4:41. And at 5:00 when the cute, little old lady a couple of doors down woke up and they were doing her morning questionnaire/de-wiring....You get the picture.

They let me sleep until 6:00AM. Yippee! Apparently, right before she was going to wake me up in the morning, I went into REM sleep. So, she let me be. See? I knew there was a reason I have an aversion to 5:00AM awakenings - it's when I'm having my best sleep of the night!! But, when they did wake me, I felt like I'd been run over by a truck and was totally yawning during the interview.

They sent me on my way - but before I left, I changed into some clothes in the bathroom - with the door closed again. I opted out of using their shower since I was still unclear on the hidden camera situation in the bathroom.

They told me it could take 1-2 weeks for the results.

I didn't need a Dr. to look at the report, I knew what they'd find, I slept like crap!

Then they sent their conclusions to my referring Dr., who in turn had her assistant call me. But, the assistant wouldn't tell me over the phone (she claimed inability to read their report) and got me to make an appointment. (What a clever tactic to get another co-pay from me and $100 from my Insurance company!) So, some more time goes by before I can see that Dr.

Recently, after all the run-around, I found out what's going on. Basically, I relax so completely (because I'm dead tired?) that my oxygen levels drop during the night to levels low enough that the Dr. told me they put patients in the hospital for (if they were to have that same level during wakefulness.) I've always said I wanted to die in my sleep - looks like I just might!

The oxygen drops happened about 9 times an hour, but the most significant drops (less than 90%) occur during my REM (deep, restorative) sleep. I was told that the body automatically protects itself, so my body is avoiding REM sleep to protect itself from the suffering that oxygen drops cause. So, without sufficient REM sleep, they found out that I am Chronically Sleep Deprived.

Their solution? Return to the sleep laboratory for CPAP titration study.

You've got to be kidding me! I do not have Sleep Apnea. There was no snoring going on! I do not need a CPAP machine!

(They just don't know what to do with me, is my theory.)

I told them, "No Way, Jose!"

And I left the Dr's office. All I had wanted from that particular Dr. anyways was bio-identical hormones, and she didn't deliver.

The End.

Hello! McFly!

My [brilliant] firstborn came upstairs the other night - right around the time when things are suppose to be [finally] winding down, the kids are in bed asleep, or at least they're not seen by me and I have a moment to breathe - and he declared,

"Ummm, I think I have a problem."

As he held out his arm to show us the damage.

He had a plastic piece of one of my other children's money bank stuck - SUCTIONED rather - to his arm!
OK - first off....WHY does he feel the need to dissect banks? And toys, contents of drawers, garbage cans, and a myriad of other household objects for that matter. Why can't he just LEAVE. THINGS. ALONE. (and nice & neat & clean and in pristine condition. OK, so maybe that's too lofty of a wish).
And secondly....WHAT WAS HE THINKING?
Probably something along the lines of "I wonder what would happen if I put a 10-inch in diameter plastic tube on my 12-inch in diameter bare skin arm?"
And then he definitely found out.
We were tugging and pulling and twisting -- all with no luck.
We used water and Vaseline and Pam cooking spray -- and it wouldn't budge.

I worried if it would cut off all circulation to his arm and would lead to his arm self-detaching.

His Dad, unamused, informed him, "This is the kind of thing that will land you in the E.R."
And I'm thinking, Oh great, that's all I need. I was just settling down for the evening!
Ryan was only mildly embarrassed with all his dad's inquiries about his intelligence.

I started to brainstorm of all the people I knew who had Power Tools that could be used in the emergency removal of this foreign object that refused to come off his arm.

At one point, his dad instructed him to stand opposite of him, facing him, hold his arm out straight in front of him, put his hand in a fist against Matt's stomach. Then Matt pulled down on the bank piece his direction and Ryan leaned back the other way.
The tube didn't budge - it looked like it might, but it didn't.
But Ryan did exclaim, "Man, Dad, you've got Abs of Steel!" (Pretty remarkable for Ryan to say that considering all the non-compliments he'd just been getting from his Dad!)
Since the previous procedure looked so promising while I'd been observing it, I decided to repeat it, but this time with ME on the opposite side of Ryan, pulling it down with his fist bracing against MY bowl-full of jelly stomach. I didn't get it off either.
And incidentally, I received NO comments from Ryan, so I went ahead and asked him, "So, do I have Abs of Steel?"
To which he responded, "Not so much!"

Eventually, we did get it off - at home. Thanks to the commotion that brought our quiet evening to a halt, Katelyn came out of her room and gave us an idea to try which did the trick!

Ryan NEVER was able to come up with an explanation as to WHY he did it, however.

So I Can Get Rid of Paper Clutter and So You Can Smile

When I clean out, I find lots of things I've saved...including some cute emails.
I figure if I post them here, I can toss the "hard copy." (And get one step closer to the ever-elusive clean home!?! I could write a whole post on that subject...another day, another time.)

MY FOOTSTEPS
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!
Then the child spoke into the instrument; "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"


A WISE LITTLE GIRL
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The minister spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."


TOO ROUGH
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"


THUMB SUCKING
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.
Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."
Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench.
The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh...I know what you've been doing."


THE LORD'S PRAYER
A mother was teaching her 3-year-old the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo.
The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptations," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."


SO KEEP THE SINGING DOWN, OK?
A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."


THE PRESSED LEAF
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!!"